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Vol 41 Issue 24

All Of Math Teacher's Examples Involve Moon Pies

BAY CITY, MI—According to sources at Bay City Middle School, all of 51-year-old math teacher Lance Stonitch's in-class examples express numbers in quantities of Moon Pies, the snack item consisting of marshmallow fluff packed between round graham crackers and coated with chocolate, vanilla, or banana icing. "Let's say Jimmy and Janie eat 40 Moon Pies in two weeks," Stonitch said Monday. "Their friends John and Joe are coming to visit for two days, and John and Joe eat Moon Pies twice as fast as Jimmy and Janie. How many Moon Pies does Jimmy need to buy the week of the visit, to have enough Moon Pies for everyone?" While most of Stonitch's students have no idea what a Moon Pie is, eighth-grader Trace Crutchfield said, "Whenever Mr. Stonitch says 'Moon Pies,' we just think of that as a generic unit."

Portugal Finally Gets It Together

LISBON, PORTUGAL—To the relief of surrounding countries, Portugal seems to have finally gotten its ducks in a row, sources reported Monday. "Man, I didn't think P. would ever get it together," said Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. "But it really cleaned up its act and got its shit straight. Who would've guessed?" Cyprus said that if Portugal can do it, maybe it can, too.

Coke Party Takes A Couple Minutes To Get Going

POMPANO BEACH, FL—According to partygoers, an impromptu cocaine bash on North Ocean Boulevard took three to four minutes to really get hopping Monday night. "This place is like a morgue," said Paul Manero, moments after doing a line. "I wonder if they've got any of those daiquiris left. Oh God, look, things are warming up. Hey Mark, do you have any of those daiqui—know where I got these shoes? I got them at—what's that? Hey, did I tell you I went to Chicago last week? Yeah, it was—hey, what's this song? Chingy? It sucks! This rules!" According to clean and sober sources, the party actually blew all along.

GM's Rising Costs

General Moters announced that it intends to cut 25,000 jobs in the coming years, explaining that it is losing money on every vehicle that it sells in North America. What are the costs of producing a typical GM car?

Medical Marijuana

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?

Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed

FULLERTON, CA—A worldwide consortium of scientists, mathematicians, and philosophers is nearing the completion of the ambitious, decade-long project of cataloging everything that can go wrong, project leader Dr. Thomas R. Kress announced at a press conference Tuesday.
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