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Vol 40 Issue 18

Willie Nelson Spaces On Holding Farm Aid

SPICEWOOD, TX—Country-music legend Willie Nelson completely spaced on holding a Farm Aid benefit concert this year, the singer admitted Monday. "Man, I've been doing the damn thing for 19 years, but somehow the plight of the American farmer slipped my mind this year," Nelson said. "We'll never get a venue by September now." Nelson added that John Mellencamp or Neil Young could've called to remind him.

Masturbatory Prose Style Fails To Reach Climax

NEW YORK—Writer Terrence Hendrie's debut novel I, Me, Eye, with its lengthy sentences and elaborate footnotes, failed to result in a climax, sources reported Monday. "Hendrie really works himself into a frenzy, massaging his love for obscure vocabulary," bookstore owner Robert Silvers said of the 385-page novel, which opens, "Adam, his serpentine ponytail flapping freely in the wintertide dithers, frostbitten grapewine bouche pursed around a smoldering Camel, hands gripping a Dachshund-eared copy of Hesse's Demian, which he recalled borrowing from his Cambridge roommate Geoffrey—young Geoffrey, how Adam chided him for his nostalgie de la boue." "Then, after 385 pages, the wanking-off ends abruptly, leaving the reader unsatisfied." Silvers added that the book's attempts at humor were too dry.

Herpetologist Names Son After Famous Herpetologist

CORAL GABLES, FL—Herpetologist Linus R. Bolton and his wife Kareena announced Monday that they are the proud parents of eight-pound, five-ounce Archie Carr Bolton, named after famous Florida herpetologist and biologist Archie Carr. "It was Dr. Carr's work on the life cycle of the sea turtle that inspired me to pursue the study of reptiles and amphibians," Bolton said. "This is my way of honoring him." Bolton and Kareena, a Chinese chef, have two other children: Ginger, 4, and General Tso, 2.

Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—Members of the International Coalition for Equality criticized a newly unearthed mass grave Monday, saying it lacked religious and racial diversity. "The funereal pit is brimming with Croats, nearly 300 of them, without a single representative Serb," ICE spokesman Jacques Marchand said. "Exclusionary burial practices like this send a negative message to the world. Corpses of all races and creeds should be tossed together to decay in harmony." Marchand acknowledged that the grave did, at least, have a sprinkling of women and children.

Vladimir Putin Begins Second Term As Whatever He Is

MOSCOW—After winning a landslide re-election in March, this week Russian leader of some sort Vladimir Putin begins his second term as whatever he was during his first term, U.S. sources reported Tuesday. "We would all like to wish Putin continued luck as the Russian premier or prime minister or czar or... you know," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said. "Well, I'm pretty sure it's not 'president.' Does 'President Putin' sound right?" McClellan added that he wishes Mr. Putin, or Herr Putin, or Comrade Putin, or The Monsieur, the best.

The Social Security Time Bomb

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think?
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

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