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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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New Report Calls For Radical Food Changes

A joint report from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Trust For America's Health calls for the appointment of a food czar and the creation of a food safety agency separate from the existing Food and Drug Administration. Here are some of the report's other food safety suggestions:

Indicating on packaging whether food came off the floor or was scraped off a roller

Banning the riding of horses in factories

Sniffing milk before deciding whether to drink it; if inconclusive, having others nearby also sniff milk

Animals must undergo psychological evaluation prior to slaughter to make sure meat will not taste angry

No more ingredients from giant bins with question marks on them will be allowed

Adding "unless it enhances flavor" to the end of all existing preventive measures

Pantsless food handlers required to wear a pubic net while working

Including a copy of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle in all packages of hot dogs

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