adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Report Calls For Radical Food Changes

A joint report from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Trust For America's Health calls for the appointment of a food czar and the creation of a food safety agency separate from the existing Food and Drug Administration. Here are some of the report's other food safety suggestions:

Indicating on packaging whether food came off the floor or was scraped off a roller

Banning the riding of horses in factories

Sniffing milk before deciding whether to drink it; if inconclusive, having others nearby also sniff milk

Animals must undergo psychological evaluation prior to slaughter to make sure meat will not taste angry

No more ingredients from giant bins with question marks on them will be allowed

Adding "unless it enhances flavor" to the end of all existing preventive measures

Pantsless food handlers required to wear a pubic net while working

Including a copy of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle in all packages of hot dogs

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close