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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New Sirius Radio Programs

Sirius Satellite Radio has failed to meet its year-end subscriber expectations. Here are some new shows and channels Sirius is rolling out to gain new listeners:

BBC's "Cricket Roundup" with Natasha Kaplinsky

Channel that plays "I Have A Dream" speech on continuous 24-hour loop

Guy Reads The Dow Ticker Like Eddie Murphy Channel

Station dedicated to capturing first words of Sirius CEO Mel Karmazin's granddaughter

"The Convincing You To Like Zappa Hour"

Hour-long program titled "Would XM Satellite Radio Play This?"

"Test Answers To Mr. Taylor's Sixth-Grade Biology Finals"

Better oldies station

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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