adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Super Stats

Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport. Here are some of the more notable number-crunchings:

  • OPSPA: On-base plus slugging plus batting average: Considered a more comprehensive measurement of batting efficiency because it adds more things to other things
  • UZR: Accounts for a player's defense by counting the happy clicks a dolphin makes while watching the play in its tank
  • PER: John Hollinger decides how much he likes a player and then makes up a number for him
  • RUNX2: A stat equal to the number of runs scored by a baseball player multiplied by two
  • PTTYLPS: Compares contemporary stock car drivers' performances to the number of laps Richard Petty would have completed under similar conditions in his 1970 Plymouth Superbird with the big-block motor and the badass wing back before NASCAR got pussified
  • BFEST: Estimates the likelihood a player would be your best friend assuming you and he were both totally normal guys going about their business who crossed paths and were just looking to connect with someone else
  • OPBICYT: A player's on-base percentage if the Red Sox had traded Carl Yastrzemski to the Tigers for Lance Parrish, Pat Underwood, and a third-round draft pick sometime before the 1978 season started

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close