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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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New Super Stats

Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport. Here are some of the more notable number-crunchings:

  • OPSPA: On-base plus slugging plus batting average: Considered a more comprehensive measurement of batting efficiency because it adds more things to other things
  • UZR: Accounts for a player's defense by counting the happy clicks a dolphin makes while watching the play in its tank
  • PER: John Hollinger decides how much he likes a player and then makes up a number for him
  • RUNX2: A stat equal to the number of runs scored by a baseball player multiplied by two
  • PTTYLPS: Compares contemporary stock car drivers' performances to the number of laps Richard Petty would have completed under similar conditions in his 1970 Plymouth Superbird with the big-block motor and the badass wing back before NASCAR got pussified
  • BFEST: Estimates the likelihood a player would be your best friend assuming you and he were both totally normal guys going about their business who crossed paths and were just looking to connect with someone else
  • OPBICYT: A player's on-base percentage if the Red Sox had traded Carl Yastrzemski to the Tigers for Lance Parrish, Pat Underwood, and a third-round draft pick sometime before the 1978 season started

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