New Super Stats

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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New Super Stats

Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport. Here are some of the more notable number-crunchings:

  • OPSPA: On-base plus slugging plus batting average: Considered a more comprehensive measurement of batting efficiency because it adds more things to other things
  • UZR: Accounts for a player's defense by counting the happy clicks a dolphin makes while watching the play in its tank
  • PER: John Hollinger decides how much he likes a player and then makes up a number for him
  • RUNX2: A stat equal to the number of runs scored by a baseball player multiplied by two
  • PTTYLPS: Compares contemporary stock car drivers' performances to the number of laps Richard Petty would have completed under similar conditions in his 1970 Plymouth Superbird with the big-block motor and the badass wing back before NASCAR got pussified
  • BFEST: Estimates the likelihood a player would be your best friend assuming you and he were both totally normal guys going about their business who crossed paths and were just looking to connect with someone else
  • OPBICYT: A player's on-base percentage if the Red Sox had traded Carl Yastrzemski to the Tigers for Lance Parrish, Pat Underwood, and a third-round draft pick sometime before the 1978 season started


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