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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New 'X-Files' Movie Opens

Six years after it went off the air, The X-Files is back in a new feature-length film titled The X-Files: I Want To Believe. What is in store for audiences?

A lengthy subplot that explains in detail why Mulder and Scully's hairstyles have changed

Mulder is heavily criticized by his FBI superiors for using "circa 1995" tactics for investigating paranormal phenomena

Composer Mark Snow has transposed the franchise's haunting piano line from the key of A minor to the even creepier key of A-flat minor

Child who says "I made this!" during Ten Thirteen Productions bumper revealed to be an extraterrestrial

Story updated with single iPod reference

Mulder, Scully, and their new alien friend, Xeeblop, struggle against all odds to make it to the top of the go-karting circuit

In an attempt to diffuse the sexual tension, Mulder exposes himself constantly throughout the movie

Turns out government is not to blame for anything; it was just a big misunderstanding

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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