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News Corp. Under Fire For Cell Phone Hacks

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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News Corp. Under Fire For Cell Phone Hacks

Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, the parent company of Fox News, is under scrutiny following reports that its paper The News Of The World hired people to hack into the phones of politicians, murder victims, and relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Here are some scoops they obtained from hacking victims:

  • Hugh Grant—Majority of incoming calls are from people asking to order food from the Indian restaurant whose phone number is one digit off
  • David Cameron—Phone contained bootlegged Wallace And Gromit episodes
  • Margaret Thatcher—Eats KFC up to four times a week
  • Gordon Brown— Voice mail password is "coolguy"
  • Rod Stewart—Vodafone is offering great rates if he decides to upgrade to a smartphone with data plan today
  • Rowan Atkinson—Sadly, he doesn't have a very silly outgoing message at all
  • Elton John—Discovered David Furnish is not really just his roommate
  • Rupert Murdoch—Found out that he would publicly denounce the phone-hacking allegations, but that, really, it was okay to keep on doing them

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