NFL Combine Highlights

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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NFL Combine Highlights

With the NFL draft combine in the books, Onion Sports takes a closer look at some of the more notable performances:

After Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn's refusal to throw for scouts damages his draft standing, LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell improves his own by throwing Quinn 60 yards

Sooners running back Adrian Peterson settles all questions about his health and toughness by nonchalantly strolling through brick walls whenever possible 

UTEP quarterback Jordan Palmer impresses coaches and scouts by repeatedly saying "I am related to NFL quarterback Carson Palmer"

Wisconsin offensive lineman Joe Thomas executes a 50-foot vertical leap upon being frightened by a mouse during his physical; the nurse who catches him is invited to work out for the Arizona Cardinals

Kansas State wide receiver Yamon Figures wows all in attendance by turning in a blazing 4.2-second time on the Wonderlic test

Ohio State's Ted Ginn fails to impress the Cleveland Browns during the interview portion of the combine when head coach Romeo Crennel asks him why he wants to play for the Browns; Ginn responds by saying he does not, in fact, want to play for the Browns

While the lights are being turned off so everyone can go home for the night, USC center Ryan Kalil is discovered to be still bench-pressing 225 pounds


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