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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Combine Highlights

With the NFL draft combine in the books, Onion Sports takes a closer look at some of the more notable performances:

After Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn's refusal to throw for scouts damages his draft standing, LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell improves his own by throwing Quinn 60 yards

Sooners running back Adrian Peterson settles all questions about his health and toughness by nonchalantly strolling through brick walls whenever possible 

UTEP quarterback Jordan Palmer impresses coaches and scouts by repeatedly saying "I am related to NFL quarterback Carson Palmer"

Wisconsin offensive lineman Joe Thomas executes a 50-foot vertical leap upon being frightened by a mouse during his physical; the nurse who catches him is invited to work out for the Arizona Cardinals

Kansas State wide receiver Yamon Figures wows all in attendance by turning in a blazing 4.2-second time on the Wonderlic test

Ohio State's Ted Ginn fails to impress the Cleveland Browns during the interview portion of the combine when head coach Romeo Crennel asks him why he wants to play for the Browns; Ginn responds by saying he does not, in fact, want to play for the Browns

While the lights are being turned off so everyone can go home for the night, USC center Ryan Kalil is discovered to be still bench-pressing 225 pounds

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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