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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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NFL Draft Winners And Losers

The 2012 NFL Draft is in the books, and the speculation now begins as to which teams gained football players and which ones gambled away their entire futures.

  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Perennially good draft team somehow addressed its needs at guard, tackle, defensive line, and companionship
  • Buffalo Bills: Had another remarkable draft, as all the year's major screw-ups somehow fell to them once again
  • New England Patriots: All their draft picks are now Patriots players; those guys usually turn out to be effective
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Although by all indications the Bengals made good, solid picks, it's always safest to assume they have fucked up horribly
  • Minnesota Vikings: Picked an offensive lineman to protect Christian Ponder in the first round; as a result, no analyst has stopped laughing long enough to grade the rest of their draft
  • Cleveland Browns: In one of the most endearing stories of the draft, the Browns used a first-round draft pick to select Colt McCoy's biological father
  • New York Jets: Addressed some needs, but at the end of the draft found themselves with the same obnoxious fans in the stands and Tim Tebow on their roster
  • Mel Kiper, Jr.: As always, the draft's biggest loser

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