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NFL Draft Winners And Losers

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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NFL Draft Winners And Losers

The 2012 NFL Draft is in the books, and the speculation now begins as to which teams gained football players and which ones gambled away their entire futures.

  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Perennially good draft team somehow addressed its needs at guard, tackle, defensive line, and companionship
  • Buffalo Bills: Had another remarkable draft, as all the year's major screw-ups somehow fell to them once again
  • New England Patriots: All their draft picks are now Patriots players; those guys usually turn out to be effective
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Although by all indications the Bengals made good, solid picks, it's always safest to assume they have fucked up horribly
  • Minnesota Vikings: Picked an offensive lineman to protect Christian Ponder in the first round; as a result, no analyst has stopped laughing long enough to grade the rest of their draft
  • Cleveland Browns: In one of the most endearing stories of the draft, the Browns used a first-round draft pick to select Colt McCoy's biological father
  • New York Jets: Addressed some needs, but at the end of the draft found themselves with the same obnoxious fans in the stands and Tim Tebow on their roster
  • Mel Kiper, Jr.: As always, the draft's biggest loser

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