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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NFL Draft Winners And Losers

The 2012 NFL Draft is in the books, and the speculation now begins as to which teams gained football players and which ones gambled away their entire futures.

  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Perennially good draft team somehow addressed its needs at guard, tackle, defensive line, and companionship
  • Buffalo Bills: Had another remarkable draft, as all the year's major screw-ups somehow fell to them once again
  • New England Patriots: All their draft picks are now Patriots players; those guys usually turn out to be effective
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Although by all indications the Bengals made good, solid picks, it's always safest to assume they have fucked up horribly
  • Minnesota Vikings: Picked an offensive lineman to protect Christian Ponder in the first round; as a result, no analyst has stopped laughing long enough to grade the rest of their draft
  • Cleveland Browns: In one of the most endearing stories of the draft, the Browns used a first-round draft pick to select Colt McCoy's biological father
  • New York Jets: Addressed some needs, but at the end of the draft found themselves with the same obnoxious fans in the stands and Tim Tebow on their roster
  • Mel Kiper, Jr.: As always, the draft's biggest loser

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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