DENVER—Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday that quarterback Peyton Manning will now be accompanied in all games by a specially trained assistance dog.
NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.
CINCINNATI—Surprising many with his impeccable fundamentals and intense style of play, sources at the Elm Street YMCA confirmed Thursday that a 55-year-old man is absolutely dominating the competition at the gym’s evening pickup basketball game.
MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.
ZURICH—Following widespread complaints that teams in the Women’s World Cup have been forced to play on synthetic fields, officials from FIFA held a press conference Thursday advising players unhappy with the turf to spend more time in midair.
HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.
RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.
NEW YORK—As evidence mounts linking unregulated usage of the prescription medication to a variety of degenerative health issues, sources confirmed Sunday that Puppy Bowl XI is being increasingly overshadowed by the league’s rampant heartworm p...
FORT WAYNE, IN—Following the airing of a public service announcement Sunday expressing the NFL’s stance against domestic violence, sources confirmed that local man and total fucking moron Timothy Worley, 34, concluded that the league is deeply...