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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NFL Midseason Report 2007

Upon reaching the midpoint of the 2007 NFL season, Onion Sports lists the notable moments, achievements, and situations in pro football thus far:

The defending Super Bowl champion Colts get out to an embarrassing 7-1 start, made worse by the fact that their quarterback isn't on pace to break the single season touchdown record

The Patriots' relentless scoring barrage has led to questions of whether they're the greatest team ever or just a bunch of cocky assholes

Thanks to a combination of tough play, fortunate turnovers, sudden outbreaks of ball lightning, and grand pianos falling from stadium upper decks, the abysmal Detroit Lions somehow win six games

Ben Roethlisberger is having a career year, due to the quarterback's new offseason training regimen of not almost killing himself

The New Orleans Saints continue to symbolize their home city, which has shown flashes of brilliance in an otherwise tragic and possibly never-ending rebuilding process

The Dolphins are just really, really bad

LaDainian Tomlinson decides to focus his energy on the first two yards beyond the line of scrimmage this season

A 43-year-old man defeats the Arizona Cardinals

In his first start, Derek Anderson surprises everyone with a reminder that there is, in fact, a football team in Cleveland

The first-ever regular season overseas game between the Giants and Dolphins in London works out much better than the less-advertised Jaguars-Buccaneers game in Swaziland

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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