NFL Midseason Report 2007

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

NFL Midseason Report 2007

Upon reaching the midpoint of the 2007 NFL season, Onion Sports lists the notable moments, achievements, and situations in pro football thus far:

The defending Super Bowl champion Colts get out to an embarrassing 7-1 start, made worse by the fact that their quarterback isn't on pace to break the single season touchdown record

The Patriots' relentless scoring barrage has led to questions of whether they're the greatest team ever or just a bunch of cocky assholes

Thanks to a combination of tough play, fortunate turnovers, sudden outbreaks of ball lightning, and grand pianos falling from stadium upper decks, the abysmal Detroit Lions somehow win six games

Ben Roethlisberger is having a career year, due to the quarterback's new offseason training regimen of not almost killing himself

The New Orleans Saints continue to symbolize their home city, which has shown flashes of brilliance in an otherwise tragic and possibly never-ending rebuilding process

The Dolphins are just really, really bad

LaDainian Tomlinson decides to focus his energy on the first two yards beyond the line of scrimmage this season

A 43-year-old man defeats the Arizona Cardinals

In his first start, Derek Anderson surprises everyone with a reminder that there is, in fact, a football team in Cleveland

The first-ever regular season overseas game between the Giants and Dolphins in London works out much better than the less-advertised Jaguars-Buccaneers game in Swaziland


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close