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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NFL Playoff Picture

It's playoff time in the NFL, and we've condensed our expert analysis of each team's chances into a handy capsule form.

  • New England: Opponents may think they're not what they were when they were younger, but have they considered Tom Brady might get even more handsome with gray hair?
  • Baltimore: Aging middle linebacker Ray Lewis may have lost a step, but he's still a very important part of talking about the Ravens
  • Houston: Have a chance considering their opponents will see them and just assume it's a meaningless preseason game
  • Denver: They're at their best playing against terrible football teams, so they're hoping some of those made it to the playoffs
  • Pittsburgh: Neither a first-round exit nor a Super Bowl victory would be particularly surprising, especially because nothing really matters
  • Cincinnati: It’s going to be tough for Cincinnati's players to start the playoffs on the road, in a dome, and while on the same team as the other Bengals
  • Green Bay: If ever there was a team built for this year’s playoffs, it’s this team one year ago
  • San Francisco: With a lot of reliable, workmanlike players on offense, the Niners will go far into the first round before losing by 40 or 50 points
  • New Orleans: Drew Brees has so many passing options he may get overwhelmed and crumble from sheer option paralysis. Probably not, though
  • New York: In a strange turn of events, the Giants have actually improved their chances of winning by having Eli Manning on the field
  • Atlanta: Have to put their trust in the hands of rookie QB Matt Ryan, which still sounds right even though this is his fourth year
  • Detroit: Look for Jim Schwartz to set the tone for his inexperienced team by freaking out under pressure and screaming at somebody for no reason

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