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NFL Playoff Picture

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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NFL Playoff Picture

It's playoff time in the NFL, and we've condensed our expert analysis of each team's chances into a handy capsule form.

  • New England: Opponents may think they're not what they were when they were younger, but have they considered Tom Brady might get even more handsome with gray hair?
  • Baltimore: Aging middle linebacker Ray Lewis may have lost a step, but he's still a very important part of talking about the Ravens
  • Houston: Have a chance considering their opponents will see them and just assume it's a meaningless preseason game
  • Denver: They're at their best playing against terrible football teams, so they're hoping some of those made it to the playoffs
  • Pittsburgh: Neither a first-round exit nor a Super Bowl victory would be particularly surprising, especially because nothing really matters
  • Cincinnati: It’s going to be tough for Cincinnati's players to start the playoffs on the road, in a dome, and while on the same team as the other Bengals
  • Green Bay: If ever there was a team built for this year’s playoffs, it’s this team one year ago
  • San Francisco: With a lot of reliable, workmanlike players on offense, the Niners will go far into the first round before losing by 40 or 50 points
  • New Orleans: Drew Brees has so many passing options he may get overwhelmed and crumble from sheer option paralysis. Probably not, though
  • New York: In a strange turn of events, the Giants have actually improved their chances of winning by having Eli Manning on the field
  • Atlanta: Have to put their trust in the hands of rookie QB Matt Ryan, which still sounds right even though this is his fourth year
  • Detroit: Look for Jim Schwartz to set the tone for his inexperienced team by freaking out under pressure and screaming at somebody for no reason

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