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Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Playoffs 2010

As the playoffs begin, Onion Sports offers an analysis of each team's chances to win it all.

NFC

  • Packers: Despite showing great resolve to make the playoffs, the Band-Aids and loose stitching holding the rest of the roster's appendages together can't last forever
  • Saints: Still the feel-good favorite, so given the way the world's been going lately, their plane will probably crash and kill them all pretty soon
  • Seahawks: Have the most potential, by definition
  • Eagles: The feel-good pick if you're a cat person
  • Bears: As a two seed, Chicago is granted the luxury of waiting an extra week to get embarrassed at home
  • Falcons: Have been a surprise all year, so prepare to be surprised again, depending on whether you expect them to win or lose

AFC

  • Jets: Yes, this team is in the playoffs
  • Ravens: Have everything you want in a playoff team, but not enough to keep you from just talking about The Wire for 90 percent of their game
  • Chiefs: A hardworking team that plays to its strengths, K.C. probably won't lose more than one game this postseason
  • Colts: Could come up with a few big wins if they're able to find a random man to put on a blue shirt and run toward the end zone
  • Steelers: Need to have more confidence in their running game, or at least lie and pretend they do
  • Patriots: …Sigh

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