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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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NFL Teams' Pre-Draft Needs

Onion Sports thoroughly examines the major needs of some NFL teams heading into the 2013 NFL Draft:

Kansas City Chiefs:

  • Young, mobile quarterback to replace Alex Smith midway through the season
  • Only eight to 10 pieces of chicken away from fully satisfying Andy Reid

Jacksonville Jaguars:

  • Superstar kicker to build franchise around
  • Could add players at the 52 roster spots where they need the most help
  • Modern stadium in Los Angeles

Oakland Raiders:

  • Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter

Detroit Lions:

  • Find solid backup assholes to add depth to core of dirty, piece-of-shit cheap shot artists
  • Another player who never will get ball to line up opposite of Calvin Johnson
  • Add speed to secondary with brand-new bikes for the defensive backs

Buffalo Bills:

  • Reliable 10-foot-tall receiver to catch Kevin Kolb’s routinely overthrown passes
  • Way less pressing problems
  • Veteran leadership to cut Kevin Kolb and admit this all was a huge fucking mistake

New York Jets:

  • Stick to formula of finding young, promising players and running their careers into ground
  • Overrated cornerback
  • Goddamn miracle

Dallas Cowboys:

  • Front office just gave a new six-year, $108 million contract extension to Tony Romo, so they clearly know what they’re doing and don’t need anyone’s help

Chicago Bears:

  • Beloved middle linebacker who was the leader on defense and face of franchise for 13 seasons
  • Nasty, mean offensive tackle willing to deprive millions of the pure, unadulterated joy of watching Jay Cutler getting smashed into the ground

Minnesota Vikings:

  • Two or three more Adrian Petersons
  • Career-ending injury to Christian Ponder
  • Greg Jennings to lose about three years off his age

Green Bay Packers:

  • Dependable running back capable of breaking 30 or 40 tackles every play
  • Sign overpriced free agent if they want to stay competitive during important offseason
  • Another big, soft, and cuddly offensive lineman

Denver Broncos:

  • Every down running back who can convincingly pretend to take a hand-off from Peyton Manning 55-60 plays a game
  • Pass-rushing defensive end to help Von Miller celebrate sacks
  • Quality backup neck

New England Patriots:

  • Stockpile picks, as there’s no way Belichick can get by with any fewer than eight new tight ends
  • New little best buddy for Tom Brady
  • Depth in secondary to pacify Vince Wilfork’s ravenous appetite during long drives

San Francisco 49ers:

  •  

Baltimore Ravens:

  • Could use a franchise quarterback
  • Solid replacements for Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Matt Birk, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Paul Kruger, so this should really be a cinch

Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.

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