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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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NFL Teams' Pre-Draft Needs

Onion Sports thoroughly examines the major needs of some NFL teams heading into the 2013 NFL Draft:

Kansas City Chiefs:

  • Young, mobile quarterback to replace Alex Smith midway through the season
  • Only eight to 10 pieces of chicken away from fully satisfying Andy Reid

Jacksonville Jaguars:

  • Superstar kicker to build franchise around
  • Could add players at the 52 roster spots where they need the most help
  • Modern stadium in Los Angeles

Oakland Raiders:

  • Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter

Detroit Lions:

  • Find solid backup assholes to add depth to core of dirty, piece-of-shit cheap shot artists
  • Another player who never will get ball to line up opposite of Calvin Johnson
  • Add speed to secondary with brand-new bikes for the defensive backs

Buffalo Bills:

  • Reliable 10-foot-tall receiver to catch Kevin Kolb’s routinely overthrown passes
  • Way less pressing problems
  • Veteran leadership to cut Kevin Kolb and admit this all was a huge fucking mistake

New York Jets:

  • Stick to formula of finding young, promising players and running their careers into ground
  • Overrated cornerback
  • Goddamn miracle

Dallas Cowboys:

  • Front office just gave a new six-year, $108 million contract extension to Tony Romo, so they clearly know what they’re doing and don’t need anyone’s help

Chicago Bears:

  • Beloved middle linebacker who was the leader on defense and face of franchise for 13 seasons
  • Nasty, mean offensive tackle willing to deprive millions of the pure, unadulterated joy of watching Jay Cutler getting smashed into the ground

Minnesota Vikings:

  • Two or three more Adrian Petersons
  • Career-ending injury to Christian Ponder
  • Greg Jennings to lose about three years off his age

Green Bay Packers:

  • Dependable running back capable of breaking 30 or 40 tackles every play
  • Sign overpriced free agent if they want to stay competitive during important offseason
  • Another big, soft, and cuddly offensive lineman

Denver Broncos:

  • Every down running back who can convincingly pretend to take a hand-off from Peyton Manning 55-60 plays a game
  • Pass-rushing defensive end to help Von Miller celebrate sacks
  • Quality backup neck

New England Patriots:

  • Stockpile picks, as there’s no way Belichick can get by with any fewer than eight new tight ends
  • New little best buddy for Tom Brady
  • Depth in secondary to pacify Vince Wilfork’s ravenous appetite during long drives

San Francisco 49ers:

  •  

Baltimore Ravens:

  • Could use a franchise quarterback
  • Solid replacements for Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Matt Birk, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Paul Kruger, so this should really be a cinch

Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.

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