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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL Teams' Pre-Draft Needs

Onion Sports thoroughly examines the major needs of some NFL teams heading into the 2013 NFL Draft:

Kansas City Chiefs:

  • Young, mobile quarterback to replace Alex Smith midway through the season
  • Only eight to 10 pieces of chicken away from fully satisfying Andy Reid

Jacksonville Jaguars:

  • Superstar kicker to build franchise around
  • Could add players at the 52 roster spots where they need the most help
  • Modern stadium in Los Angeles

Oakland Raiders:

  • Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter

Detroit Lions:

  • Find solid backup assholes to add depth to core of dirty, piece-of-shit cheap shot artists
  • Another player who never will get ball to line up opposite of Calvin Johnson
  • Add speed to secondary with brand-new bikes for the defensive backs

Buffalo Bills:

  • Reliable 10-foot-tall receiver to catch Kevin Kolb’s routinely overthrown passes
  • Way less pressing problems
  • Veteran leadership to cut Kevin Kolb and admit this all was a huge fucking mistake

New York Jets:

  • Stick to formula of finding young, promising players and running their careers into ground
  • Overrated cornerback
  • Goddamn miracle

Dallas Cowboys:

  • Front office just gave a new six-year, $108 million contract extension to Tony Romo, so they clearly know what they’re doing and don’t need anyone’s help

Chicago Bears:

  • Beloved middle linebacker who was the leader on defense and face of franchise for 13 seasons
  • Nasty, mean offensive tackle willing to deprive millions of the pure, unadulterated joy of watching Jay Cutler getting smashed into the ground

Minnesota Vikings:

  • Two or three more Adrian Petersons
  • Career-ending injury to Christian Ponder
  • Greg Jennings to lose about three years off his age

Green Bay Packers:

  • Dependable running back capable of breaking 30 or 40 tackles every play
  • Sign overpriced free agent if they want to stay competitive during important offseason
  • Another big, soft, and cuddly offensive lineman

Denver Broncos:

  • Every down running back who can convincingly pretend to take a hand-off from Peyton Manning 55-60 plays a game
  • Pass-rushing defensive end to help Von Miller celebrate sacks
  • Quality backup neck

New England Patriots:

  • Stockpile picks, as there’s no way Belichick can get by with any fewer than eight new tight ends
  • New little best buddy for Tom Brady
  • Depth in secondary to pacify Vince Wilfork’s ravenous appetite during long drives

San Francisco 49ers:

  •  

Baltimore Ravens:

  • Could use a franchise quarterback
  • Solid replacements for Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Matt Birk, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Paul Kruger, so this should really be a cinch

Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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