adBlockCheck

NFL Teams' Pre-Draft Needs

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

NFL Teams' Pre-Draft Needs

Onion Sports thoroughly examines the major needs of some NFL teams heading into the 2013 NFL Draft:

Kansas City Chiefs:

  • Young, mobile quarterback to replace Alex Smith midway through the season
  • Only eight to 10 pieces of chicken away from fully satisfying Andy Reid

Jacksonville Jaguars:

  • Superstar kicker to build franchise around
  • Could add players at the 52 roster spots where they need the most help
  • Modern stadium in Los Angeles

Oakland Raiders:

  • Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter

Detroit Lions:

  • Find solid backup assholes to add depth to core of dirty, piece-of-shit cheap shot artists
  • Another player who never will get ball to line up opposite of Calvin Johnson
  • Add speed to secondary with brand-new bikes for the defensive backs

Buffalo Bills:

  • Reliable 10-foot-tall receiver to catch Kevin Kolb’s routinely overthrown passes
  • Way less pressing problems
  • Veteran leadership to cut Kevin Kolb and admit this all was a huge fucking mistake

New York Jets:

  • Stick to formula of finding young, promising players and running their careers into ground
  • Overrated cornerback
  • Goddamn miracle

Dallas Cowboys:

  • Front office just gave a new six-year, $108 million contract extension to Tony Romo, so they clearly know what they’re doing and don’t need anyone’s help

Chicago Bears:

  • Beloved middle linebacker who was the leader on defense and face of franchise for 13 seasons
  • Nasty, mean offensive tackle willing to deprive millions of the pure, unadulterated joy of watching Jay Cutler getting smashed into the ground

Minnesota Vikings:

  • Two or three more Adrian Petersons
  • Career-ending injury to Christian Ponder
  • Greg Jennings to lose about three years off his age

Green Bay Packers:

  • Dependable running back capable of breaking 30 or 40 tackles every play
  • Sign overpriced free agent if they want to stay competitive during important offseason
  • Another big, soft, and cuddly offensive lineman

Denver Broncos:

  • Every down running back who can convincingly pretend to take a hand-off from Peyton Manning 55-60 plays a game
  • Pass-rushing defensive end to help Von Miller celebrate sacks
  • Quality backup neck

New England Patriots:

  • Stockpile picks, as there’s no way Belichick can get by with any fewer than eight new tight ends
  • New little best buddy for Tom Brady
  • Depth in secondary to pacify Vince Wilfork’s ravenous appetite during long drives

San Francisco 49ers:

  •  

Baltimore Ravens:

  • Could use a franchise quarterback
  • Solid replacements for Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Matt Birk, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Paul Kruger, so this should really be a cinch

Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close