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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NFL Week 11 Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 11th week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Denver Broncos: Improved to 9-1 after beating some shitty team
  • Matt Ryan: Has a job
  • Jacksonville Jaguars: Just six games left

Losers

  • Houston Texans: Are now another game closer to killing Gary Kubiak
  • Josh McCown: After his second victory in a row, the Bears’ backup QB is going to be replaced by Jay Cutler at some point
  • Kansas City Chiefs: Finally suffered their first of two losses against the Broncos this season

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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