adBlockCheck

Sports

CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 12th week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Wes Welker: With a costly drop and a mismanaged punt return in overtime, Welker proved he is still a force for the Patriots
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A third straight win has set the stage for an exciting end to Greg Schiano’s NFL career
  • Matt Flynn: Finally coming back full circle to filling in for the Packers, Flynn is destined to cash in with another $30 million contract this summer

Losers

  • New York Giants: After a heartbreaking loss to the Cowboys, the Giants’ October 10 matchup against the Bears is looking more and more like a must-have-won
  • Tony Carter: The Broncos cornerback's mishandling of a punt return in OT allowed the Patriots to take the win after Denver had spent the entire game diligently coughing up its lead
  • Jason Campbell: A third-quarter concussion may end his career weeks prematurely

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close