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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 12th week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Wes Welker: With a costly drop and a mismanaged punt return in overtime, Welker proved he is still a force for the Patriots
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A third straight win has set the stage for an exciting end to Greg Schiano’s NFL career
  • Matt Flynn: Finally coming back full circle to filling in for the Packers, Flynn is destined to cash in with another $30 million contract this summer

Losers

  • New York Giants: After a heartbreaking loss to the Cowboys, the Giants’ October 10 matchup against the Bears is looking more and more like a must-have-won
  • Tony Carter: The Broncos cornerback's mishandling of a punt return in OT allowed the Patriots to take the win after Denver had spent the entire game diligently coughing up its lead
  • Jason Campbell: A third-quarter concussion may end his career weeks prematurely

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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