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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 12th week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Wes Welker: With a costly drop and a mismanaged punt return in overtime, Welker proved he is still a force for the Patriots
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A third straight win has set the stage for an exciting end to Greg Schiano’s NFL career
  • Matt Flynn: Finally coming back full circle to filling in for the Packers, Flynn is destined to cash in with another $30 million contract this summer

Losers

  • New York Giants: After a heartbreaking loss to the Cowboys, the Giants’ October 10 matchup against the Bears is looking more and more like a must-have-won
  • Tony Carter: The Broncos cornerback's mishandling of a punt return in OT allowed the Patriots to take the win after Denver had spent the entire game diligently coughing up its lead
  • Jason Campbell: A third-quarter concussion may end his career weeks prematurely

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