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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the eighth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Eli Manning: With zero TDs and a middling QB rating, the Giants signal caller had his best game of the season
  • Cincinnati Bengals: A 49-9 blowout victory over the Jets has probably convinced a few total dipshits that this team is a Super Bowl contender
  • The NFL: With a quarter of the league on byes, this was the safest week on record

Losers

  • Dez Bryant: His sideline tantrum broadcast on national television might start giving people the idea that he’s a complete asshole
  • Detroit Lions: With Matthew Stafford’s late-game heroics and a historic game from Calvin Johnson, the Lions eked out a win against an NFC East team
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Embarrassed themselves on national television by allowing the Jets to put up nine points

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