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NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the eighth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Eli Manning: With zero TDs and a middling QB rating, the Giants signal caller had his best game of the season
  • Cincinnati Bengals: A 49-9 blowout victory over the Jets has probably convinced a few total dipshits that this team is a Super Bowl contender
  • The NFL: With a quarter of the league on byes, this was the safest week on record

Losers

  • Dez Bryant: His sideline tantrum broadcast on national television might start giving people the idea that he’s a complete asshole
  • Detroit Lions: With Matthew Stafford’s late-game heroics and a historic game from Calvin Johnson, the Lions eked out a win against an NFC East team
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Embarrassed themselves on national television by allowing the Jets to put up nine points

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