adBlockCheck

NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the eighth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Eli Manning: With zero TDs and a middling QB rating, the Giants signal caller had his best game of the season
  • Cincinnati Bengals: A 49-9 blowout victory over the Jets has probably convinced a few total dipshits that this team is a Super Bowl contender
  • The NFL: With a quarter of the league on byes, this was the safest week on record

Losers

  • Dez Bryant: His sideline tantrum broadcast on national television might start giving people the idea that he’s a complete asshole
  • Detroit Lions: With Matthew Stafford’s late-game heroics and a historic game from Calvin Johnson, the Lions eked out a win against an NFC East team
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Embarrassed themselves on national television by allowing the Jets to put up nine points

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close