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NFL Week Five Winners And Losers

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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

NFL Week Five Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fifth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Denver Broncos: While unofficial polls suggest they beat the Cowboys, officials are still waiting for the last few points to trickle in before declaring a winner
  • Philadelphia Eagles: At 2-3, Philadelphia looks poised to run away with the NFC East
  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Finally managed to snap their four-week losing streak

Losers

  • Dallas Cowboys: The reeling Cowboys have plummeted to the top of the NFC East standings
  • Kansas City Chiefs: The grim specter of unreasonable expectations continues to hang over the 5-0 Chiefs
  • Tony Romo: The perennial choke artist blew it again with a disgraceful 506-yard, 5-TD performance

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