NFL Week Five Winners And Losers

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Vol 49 Issue 41

October 19

There will be a 10K charity run for lupus research Saturday, so if someone hits you up for a donation in the next couple of days, it’s legit.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Six Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week six games: Giants at Bears OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Bears – Eli Manning will throw three picks and Jay Cutler wil...

Intern Strikes Up Friendship With Least-Respected Employee

DENVER—After starting at the company just three weeks ago, 22-year-old Wenger Marketing intern Allison Bennett told reporters Thursday that she has already befriended 36-year-old digital content coordinator Mike Fryer, the least-respected employee i...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

NFL Week Five Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fifth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Denver Broncos: While unofficial polls suggest they beat the Cowboys, officials are still waiting for the last few points to trickle in before declaring a winner
  • Philadelphia Eagles: At 2-3, Philadelphia looks poised to run away with the NFC East
  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Finally managed to snap their four-week losing streak

Losers

  • Dallas Cowboys: The reeling Cowboys have plummeted to the top of the NFC East standings
  • Kansas City Chiefs: The grim specter of unreasonable expectations continues to hang over the 5-0 Chiefs
  • Tony Romo: The perennial choke artist blew it again with a disgraceful 506-yard, 5-TD performance
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