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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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NFL Week Five Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fifth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Denver Broncos: While unofficial polls suggest they beat the Cowboys, officials are still waiting for the last few points to trickle in before declaring a winner
  • Philadelphia Eagles: At 2-3, Philadelphia looks poised to run away with the NFC East
  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Finally managed to snap their four-week losing streak

Losers

  • Dallas Cowboys: The reeling Cowboys have plummeted to the top of the NFC East standings
  • Kansas City Chiefs: The grim specter of unreasonable expectations continues to hang over the 5-0 Chiefs
  • Tony Romo: The perennial choke artist blew it again with a disgraceful 506-yard, 5-TD performance

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