NFL Week Four Winners And Losers

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Vol 49 Issue 40

Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense

GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions.

Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China

The Chinese province of Shaanxi has been devastated by Asian giant hornets, which are the size of a human thumb and have venom capable of causing kidney failure, with hornet attacks hospitalizing over 200 citizens and injuring nearly 1,500 more this year.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week five games: Bills at Browns OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Browns – Starting quarterback Brian Hoyer will injure his k...
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NFL Week Four Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fourth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Von Miller: The Broncos linebacker enjoyed another relaxing week
  • Peyton Manning: After yet another dominant performance in the Broncos’ 52-20 rout over the Eagles, Manning has now proven without a doubt that PEDs can work wonders on aging players
  • London NFL Fans: Got a firsthand look at what a potential London-based NFL franchise would look like

Losers

  • Joe Flacco: The Ravens QB experienced a disastrous turn of events through his tried and true throw-the-ball-into-coverage-and-hope-everything-works-out strategy
  • Philip Rivers: Discovered the hard way that even throwing for over 400 yards and three touchdowns doesn’t change the inevitable reality that each of us, no matter whom, will one day perish amidst the unforgiving march of time
  • Josh Freeman: Made his strongest case yet to be a low-paid second-string quarterback for another few seasons before leaving the NFL entirely
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