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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL Week Four Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fourth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Von Miller: The Broncos linebacker enjoyed another relaxing week
  • Peyton Manning: After yet another dominant performance in the Broncos’ 52-20 rout over the Eagles, Manning has now proven without a doubt that PEDs can work wonders on aging players
  • London NFL Fans: Got a firsthand look at what a potential London-based NFL franchise would look like

Losers

  • Joe Flacco: The Ravens QB experienced a disastrous turn of events through his tried and true throw-the-ball-into-coverage-and-hope-everything-works-out strategy
  • Philip Rivers: Discovered the hard way that even throwing for over 400 yards and three touchdowns doesn’t change the inevitable reality that each of us, no matter whom, will one day perish amidst the unforgiving march of time
  • Josh Freeman: Made his strongest case yet to be a low-paid second-string quarterback for another few seasons before leaving the NFL entirely

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