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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Week Nine Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the ninth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Nick Foles: Showed what he is capable of doing when playing the Raiders
  • Tony Romo: The Cowboys’ signal caller ended Sunday’s game against the Vikings in typical Romo fashion, except with the football landing in the hands of a teammate
  • Dez Bryant: Learned a lot from observing the Vikings receivers’ modest, sullen demeanor

Losers

  • Gary Kubiak: Suffered one of the 20 or 30 worst medical scares the NFL saw yesterday
  • Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers are embracing their new identity
  • Nick Foles: Wasted the best game of his life against the Raiders

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