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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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NFL Week One Winners And Losers

With the first Sunday of the NFL season in the books, Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from week one:

Winners

  • Bills: Buffalo proved they can go toe-to-toe with the NFL’s best for a full 57 minutes
  • Turnovers: The classic change-of-possession plays made a huge splash in their high-profile Sunday night appearance
  • Titans’ defense: Racked up an impressive eight safeties in a 16-9 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers, who managed just three safeties and a field goal

Losers

  • Packers: They lost
  • Geno Smith: While he wasn’t spectacular, he also didn’t make any horrendous mistakes, calling into question whether he fits as the Jets’ QB
  • Jaguars: After getting routed by Kansas City, the Jaguars should remember that this was only one game, the first game, the game that revealed beyond a doubt how bad they are

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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