NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers

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Vol 49 Issue 43

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The Walking Dead

AMC 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT In the eagerly anticipated conclusion to last season’s heart-stopping cliffhanger, an obscured shape staggering toward the characters in the midst of an orchestral swell turns out to be a zombie.

Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate

A university in Malaysia conferred an honorary doctorate in economics on North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong-un, saying that the 30-year-old leader “makes untiring efforts for the education of the country and the well-being of its people.” W...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the seventh week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • New York Jets: Lived up to expectations that officials would just hand them another bullshit victory
  • Minnesota Vikings/New York Giants: Both teams can rest easy knowing that very few people will witness whatever they are about to do tonight
  • Robert Griffin III: In a 45-41 win over the Bears, RGIII gave the type of vintage performance that got him seriously injured last season

Losers

  • Chicago Bears: Somehow managed to lose despite Jay Cutler leaving in the second quarter with a groin injury
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: With running back Doug Martin having left Sunday’s game with a shoulder injury, Tampa’s season may be shot
  • Peyton Manning: After six respectable weeks, the Broncos play caller showed Sunday night that he’s just another Manning loser
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