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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the seventh week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • New York Jets: Lived up to expectations that officials would just hand them another bullshit victory
  • Minnesota Vikings/New York Giants: Both teams can rest easy knowing that very few people will witness whatever they are about to do tonight
  • Robert Griffin III: In a 45-41 win over the Bears, RGIII gave the type of vintage performance that got him seriously injured last season

Losers

  • Chicago Bears: Somehow managed to lose despite Jay Cutler leaving in the second quarter with a groin injury
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: With running back Doug Martin having left Sunday’s game with a shoulder injury, Tampa’s season may be shot
  • Peyton Manning: After six respectable weeks, the Broncos play caller showed Sunday night that he’s just another Manning loser

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