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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Week Six Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the sixth week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Brandon Weeden: Inaugurated Cleveland’s second Brandon Weeden era in style
  • Houston Texans: Houston rebounded from last week’s blowout loss with a slightly more competitive loss
  • Pittsburgh Steelers: A win over the Jets kept their slim hopes for a 2-14 season alive

Losers

  • Washington Redskins: The ’Skins were slaughtered by the Cowboys faster than an antelope facing an Apache tomahawk—Geronimo!
  • T.J. Yates: Came in for an injured Matt Schaub and gave Texans fans the performance they’ve truly been asking for
  • Houston Jumbotron operator: Drew ire for flashing the words “make some noise” on screen in response to quarterback Matt Schaub’s game-ending injury

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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