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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Week Three Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the third week of the NFL season:

Winners

  • Josh Gordon: Showed versatility, catching five passes while also snagging two and hauling in a further three
  • Cleveland Browns: In Brian Hoyer, the Browns may well have found their next stopgap at quarterback
  • Green Bay Packers: Didn’t catch the end, but presumably they just ran the clock out running the ball for the last four minutes

Losers

  • Washington Redskins: Fans can rest easy knowing Robert Griffin III’s knee is not their team’s main problem
  • New York Giants: After an early scare, the Giants suffered a mid-game scare, a late scare, and a decisive, blowout loss
  • Aldon Smith: The 49ers linebacker surely has a lot to think about following San Francisco’s 1-2 start

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