NFL's New Code Of Conduct

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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NFL's New Code Of Conduct

By introducing his new Code Of Conduct and suspending "Pacman" Jones for the entire 2007 season, Commissioner Goodell has sent the strong message that bad behavior in professional football will no longer be tolerated. Onion Sports runs down some of the particulars of the new code:

To discourage players from associating with known felons, the Bengals–Ravens games on Sept. 10 and Nov. 11 have been canceled, and neither team will be allowed to play the Raiders for the foreseeable future

Each team will be visited by an expert who will help players learn when hitting others will be rewarded and when it will be punished

If everyone knows a football player stabbed somebody but no one will admit to it, Goodell is willing to send the whole league to jail just to send a message

Players not participating in the Thanksgiving Day games must watch them at home while eating turkey with their families, instead of raping women and murdering people

If any player is found to be in possession or under the influence of illegal drugs, the NFL will not get mad, just disappointed—a penalty most players find 1,000 times worse

At least once a month, all players must show evidence of sharing and/or caring

Though a friend or relative's engagement should be celebrated, excessive celebration will be punishable by a $100,000 fine

Although the new conduct policy will be extremely stringent, players will be required to fabricate stories and boast about their potential for violence to maintain the NFL's street cred


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