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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NFL's New Code Of Conduct

By introducing his new Code Of Conduct and suspending "Pacman" Jones for the entire 2007 season, Commissioner Goodell has sent the strong message that bad behavior in professional football will no longer be tolerated. Onion Sports runs down some of the particulars of the new code:

To discourage players from associating with known felons, the Bengals–Ravens games on Sept. 10 and Nov. 11 have been canceled, and neither team will be allowed to play the Raiders for the foreseeable future

Each team will be visited by an expert who will help players learn when hitting others will be rewarded and when it will be punished

If everyone knows a football player stabbed somebody but no one will admit to it, Goodell is willing to send the whole league to jail just to send a message

Players not participating in the Thanksgiving Day games must watch them at home while eating turkey with their families, instead of raping women and murdering people

If any player is found to be in possession or under the influence of illegal drugs, the NFL will not get mad, just disappointed—a penalty most players find 1,000 times worse

At least once a month, all players must show evidence of sharing and/or caring

Though a friend or relative's engagement should be celebrated, excessive celebration will be punishable by a $100,000 fine

Although the new conduct policy will be extremely stringent, players will be required to fabricate stories and boast about their potential for violence to maintain the NFL's street cred

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