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NFL's New Code Of Conduct

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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NFL's New Code Of Conduct

By introducing his new Code Of Conduct and suspending "Pacman" Jones for the entire 2007 season, Commissioner Goodell has sent the strong message that bad behavior in professional football will no longer be tolerated. Onion Sports runs down some of the particulars of the new code:

To discourage players from associating with known felons, the Bengals–Ravens games on Sept. 10 and Nov. 11 have been canceled, and neither team will be allowed to play the Raiders for the foreseeable future

Each team will be visited by an expert who will help players learn when hitting others will be rewarded and when it will be punished

If everyone knows a football player stabbed somebody but no one will admit to it, Goodell is willing to send the whole league to jail just to send a message

Players not participating in the Thanksgiving Day games must watch them at home while eating turkey with their families, instead of raping women and murdering people

If any player is found to be in possession or under the influence of illegal drugs, the NFL will not get mad, just disappointed—a penalty most players find 1,000 times worse

At least once a month, all players must show evidence of sharing and/or caring

Though a friend or relative's engagement should be celebrated, excessive celebration will be punishable by a $100,000 fine

Although the new conduct policy will be extremely stringent, players will be required to fabricate stories and boast about their potential for violence to maintain the NFL's street cred

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