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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NFL’s Top 10 Linebackers

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here's a helpful guide to the league’s best linebackers.

10. Luke Kuechly: Look, it’s not his fault he’s on the fucking Panthers

9. Daryl Washington: Though his arrest for aggravated assault one month after receiving a substance abuse–related suspension caused concerns, the linebacker has taken full responsibility for his actions, so that should be the end of that

8. Tamba Hali: Kansas City Chiefs linebacker displays outstanding effort and intensity while relentlessly pursuing a trade to a better team

7. James Harrison: After being released by the Steelers, the 35-year-old Bengals linebacker will be eager to prove that he’s still capable of knocking opposing players unconscious with the crown of his helmet

6. Terrell Suggs: Only playing professional football to fulfill a condition in his father’s will to get access to the Suggs family fortune

5. DeMarcus Ware: Ware possesses the quick feet and dynamic playmaking abilities necessary to keep the Cowboys within a couple of scores at a moment’s notice

4. Clay Matthews: If Matthews continues to perform at a high level, Packers fans can expect him to pick up a healthy portion of the sacks offered by Jay Cutler this season

3. Von Miller: After losing pass rusher Elvis Dumervil to Baltimore this offseason, the Broncos should just be thankful that a fit and ready Miller will be good to go for the season opener against the Ravens

2. Aldon Smith: Knew he wanted to be a linebacker ever since he first picked up a quarterback at age 5

1. Patrick Willis: The 49ers middle linebacker seems to take great pride in wrestling large, sweaty men carrying a ball to the ground, which is kind of weird

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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