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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL’s Top 10 Linebackers

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here's a helpful guide to the league’s best linebackers.

10. Luke Kuechly: Look, it’s not his fault he’s on the fucking Panthers

9. Daryl Washington: Though his arrest for aggravated assault one month after receiving a substance abuse–related suspension caused concerns, the linebacker has taken full responsibility for his actions, so that should be the end of that

8. Tamba Hali: Kansas City Chiefs linebacker displays outstanding effort and intensity while relentlessly pursuing a trade to a better team

7. James Harrison: After being released by the Steelers, the 35-year-old Bengals linebacker will be eager to prove that he’s still capable of knocking opposing players unconscious with the crown of his helmet

6. Terrell Suggs: Only playing professional football to fulfill a condition in his father’s will to get access to the Suggs family fortune

5. DeMarcus Ware: Ware possesses the quick feet and dynamic playmaking abilities necessary to keep the Cowboys within a couple of scores at a moment’s notice

4. Clay Matthews: If Matthews continues to perform at a high level, Packers fans can expect him to pick up a healthy portion of the sacks offered by Jay Cutler this season

3. Von Miller: After losing pass rusher Elvis Dumervil to Baltimore this offseason, the Broncos should just be thankful that a fit and ready Miller will be good to go for the season opener against the Ravens

2. Aldon Smith: Knew he wanted to be a linebacker ever since he first picked up a quarterback at age 5

1. Patrick Willis: The 49ers middle linebacker seems to take great pride in wrestling large, sweaty men carrying a ball to the ground, which is kind of weird

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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