adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFL’s Top 10 Linebackers

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here's a helpful guide to the league’s best linebackers.

10. Luke Kuechly: Look, it’s not his fault he’s on the fucking Panthers

9. Daryl Washington: Though his arrest for aggravated assault one month after receiving a substance abuse–related suspension caused concerns, the linebacker has taken full responsibility for his actions, so that should be the end of that

8. Tamba Hali: Kansas City Chiefs linebacker displays outstanding effort and intensity while relentlessly pursuing a trade to a better team

7. James Harrison: After being released by the Steelers, the 35-year-old Bengals linebacker will be eager to prove that he’s still capable of knocking opposing players unconscious with the crown of his helmet

6. Terrell Suggs: Only playing professional football to fulfill a condition in his father’s will to get access to the Suggs family fortune

5. DeMarcus Ware: Ware possesses the quick feet and dynamic playmaking abilities necessary to keep the Cowboys within a couple of scores at a moment’s notice

4. Clay Matthews: If Matthews continues to perform at a high level, Packers fans can expect him to pick up a healthy portion of the sacks offered by Jay Cutler this season

3. Von Miller: After losing pass rusher Elvis Dumervil to Baltimore this offseason, the Broncos should just be thankful that a fit and ready Miller will be good to go for the season opener against the Ravens

2. Aldon Smith: Knew he wanted to be a linebacker ever since he first picked up a quarterback at age 5

1. Patrick Willis: The 49ers middle linebacker seems to take great pride in wrestling large, sweaty men carrying a ball to the ground, which is kind of weird

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close