adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents

With the NFL free agency period starting on March 12, teams are expected to once again dole out huge contracts. Onion Sports examines the best available players.

  • Mike Wallace: The speedy wide receiver would like to sign with a new team just to avoid the unfortunate distinction of being Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite target.
  • Reggie Bush: Fresh off his Heisman Trophy–winning season at USC, all 32 teams in 2006 would be thrilled to harness the limitless potential of this star running back
  • Aqib Talib: This corner is likely headed to the Eagles, Giants, or Redskins, as he has expressed much interest in catching passes from Tony Romo
  • Kregg Lumpkin: Another offseason, and, as usual, Kregg Lumpkin’s name is on every GM’s tongue
  • Donnie Jones: He’s a punter—can always use one of those
  • Greg Jennings: The Packers wide receiver seems all but certain to hurt himself for somebody else next year
  • Joe Flacco: Shined in the playoffs, making him a hot commodity to anybody that willfully ignores how mediocre he has been his entire career
  • Wes Welker: Jesus Christ, little guy managed to sneak his way right into this feature, didn’t he? Ugh, likely to re-sign with New England
  • Ryan Clady: The heralded offensive lineman is likely to stay in Denver, considering the majority of his mass is caused by severe altitude-related swelling
  • Chad Johnson: Wide receiver is the perfect fit for any franchise in pursuit of the first overall draft pick in 2014
  • Steve Smith: Don’t get too excited, it’s the shitty one

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close