NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents

With the NFL free agency period starting on March 12, teams are expected to once again dole out huge contracts. Onion Sports examines the best available players.

  • Mike Wallace: The speedy wide receiver would like to sign with a new team just to avoid the unfortunate distinction of being Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite target.
  • Reggie Bush: Fresh off his Heisman Trophy–winning season at USC, all 32 teams in 2006 would be thrilled to harness the limitless potential of this star running back
  • Aqib Talib: This corner is likely headed to the Eagles, Giants, or Redskins, as he has expressed much interest in catching passes from Tony Romo
  • Kregg Lumpkin: Another offseason, and, as usual, Kregg Lumpkin’s name is on every GM’s tongue
  • Donnie Jones: He’s a punter—can always use one of those
  • Greg Jennings: The Packers wide receiver seems all but certain to hurt himself for somebody else next year
  • Joe Flacco: Shined in the playoffs, making him a hot commodity to anybody that willfully ignores how mediocre he has been his entire career
  • Wes Welker: Jesus Christ, little guy managed to sneak his way right into this feature, didn’t he? Ugh, likely to re-sign with New England
  • Ryan Clady: The heralded offensive lineman is likely to stay in Denver, considering the majority of his mass is caused by severe altitude-related swelling
  • Chad Johnson: Wide receiver is the perfect fit for any franchise in pursuit of the first overall draft pick in 2014
  • Steve Smith: Don’t get too excited, it’s the shitty one


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