NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents

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Vol 49 Issue 09

Rats’ Brains Connected Via Internet

Creating the first ever brain-to-brain interface, scientists have connected the brains of lab rats via Internet cables, allowing the animals to communicate motor information to one another even when they’re thousands of miles apart.

Josh Lemberg

Josh Lemberg made sure not to get any of the other dogs’ hopes up while choosing a pet at the local shelter

Dennis Rodman Calls Kim Jong-Un 'Awesome Guy'

During a goodwill trip to North Korea, former NBA star Dennis Rodman was seen palling around with the country’s leader Kim Jong-un, whom Rodman called a “friend for life,” while also praising Kim’s father and grandfather, Kim Jong-...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Holiday

NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents

With the NFL free agency period starting on March 12, teams are expected to once again dole out huge contracts. Onion Sports examines the best available players.

  • Mike Wallace: The speedy wide receiver would like to sign with a new team just to avoid the unfortunate distinction of being Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite target.
  • Reggie Bush: Fresh off his Heisman Trophy–winning season at USC, all 32 teams in 2006 would be thrilled to harness the limitless potential of this star running back
  • Aqib Talib: This corner is likely headed to the Eagles, Giants, or Redskins, as he has expressed much interest in catching passes from Tony Romo
  • Kregg Lumpkin: Another offseason, and, as usual, Kregg Lumpkin’s name is on every GM’s tongue
  • Donnie Jones: He’s a punter—can always use one of those
  • Greg Jennings: The Packers wide receiver seems all but certain to hurt himself for somebody else next year
  • Joe Flacco: Shined in the playoffs, making him a hot commodity to anybody that willfully ignores how mediocre he has been his entire career
  • Wes Welker: Jesus Christ, little guy managed to sneak his way right into this feature, didn’t he? Ugh, likely to re-sign with New England
  • Ryan Clady: The heralded offensive lineman is likely to stay in Denver, considering the majority of his mass is caused by severe altitude-related swelling
  • Chad Johnson: Wide receiver is the perfect fit for any franchise in pursuit of the first overall draft pick in 2014
  • Steve Smith: Don’t get too excited, it’s the shitty one
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