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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Nicolas Cage Broke

Owing $6.3 million in back taxes and facing financial ruin, Nicolas Cage, star of such hit films as Ghost Rider, National Treasure, and Con Air, has sold his Bavarian castle and put several of his homes on the market. Where did Cage's money go?

  • Invested heavily in nationwide Face/Off-themed chicken-and-biscuit franchises that were a complete bust
  • Handed Tom Waits $1,000 every time he asked
  • Unbeknownst to Cage, he was an executive producer of Battlefield Earth
  • Charismatic uncle kept approaching him with costly harebrained schemes to make a movie
  • Lost $5 million to Keanu Reeves in a high-stakes monotone-delivery competition
  • Forgot that multimillion-dollar heist he pulled in
  • Gone In Sixty Seconds was fake
  • Spent millions to have miniature replicas of all his clothes tailor-made so that he and his 1995 Best Actor Oscar could always be dressed alike
  • Threw lavish parties where there was music
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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