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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Nintendo Entertainment System Turns 30

The original version of the Nintendo Entertainment System, known as the Famicom or Nintendo Family Computer, first became available in Japan 30 years ago this month. Here are some of the most notable moments and milestones in the iconic video game console’s history:

  • 1984: Advances in technology allow the console to shrink pixels to a half-inch in size
  • 1985: A delighted Nintendo CEO Hiroshi Yamauchi spends the entire two-hour unveiling of the North American NES showing reporters how he can make Mario dance at the top of a vine
  • 1987: The Legend Of Zelda performs well in the U.S. despite most players failing to appreciate the game’s satirical critique of Japanese politics
  • 1987: Nintendo discontinues the small hose that blasts NES players with scalding hot water after losing a game
  • 1988: First national debate on video game violence is sparked when an Italian-American plumber breaks into a blonde woman’s home, crushes her pet turtle to death, and tries to escape through a drainpipe
  • 1989: Nintendo releases the Power Glove for people too lazy to glue a controller to a glove themselves
  • 1990: Stocks plummet as a majority of gamers reach the water level
  • 1994: Mia Farrow is revealed as the inspiration behind Princess Peach
  • 2013: 627 people watch a video of someone playing the Nintendo release of Home Alone 2 on YouTube
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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