WASHINGTON—While thinking about this November’s election and remembering that only a few months remain in Barack Obama’s presidency, Americans throughout the country are said to have suddenly come to the realization Tuesday that they, in fact, never had to worry about John McCain dying over the past eight years had he become president in 2008.
WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour.
BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.
Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens
CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
MOSCOW—Admitting he had become disenchanted with the entire process, 21-year-old Russian hacker Misha Yurasov told reporters Thursday he was starting to feel like he has no impact whatsoever on the U.S. presidential election.
WASHINGTON—Stating that any attempt to slim down without it would be wholly ineffective, representatives from the USDA’s Food and Nutrition Service admitted at a press conference Tuesday that weight loss is just not possible for people who don’t like salmon.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve America’s ranking in the global technology sector, the U.S. Department of Education unveiled a new STEM initiative Friday designed to discourage students in other countries from choosing careers in science and math.
With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
WASHINGTON—Stating that the measure was essential for holding down the beat and getting people outta their seat, Congress reportedly allocated $500 million Monday for the development of funkier bass lines.
FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization.
WASHINGTON—Discussing the idea at their monthly operations meeting Tuesday, facilities managers responsible for overseeing the U.S. Capitol and its grounds devised a new plan to repurpose the building’s seldom-used Senate chamber by converting it into a storage room.
WASHINGTON—Taking action to protect the rapidly dwindling vital resource, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday that would preserve the last remaining expanse of common ground in the nation.
WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.
WASHINGTON—In the wake of Prime Minister David Cameron’s announcement that he would leave office following the United Kingdom’s vote to exit the European Union, tens of millions of Americans expressed their confusion to reporters Friday about a system of government in which a leader would resign after making a terrible decision.
The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action
WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber.
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Having stowed away aboard a Soyuz resupply rocket and silently slipped into the International Space Station as part of a high-level fact-finding mission, Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly found himself forced to jettison two Russian henchmen from an airlock Monday after being set upon by the thugs in an ambush that resulted in a violent zero-gravity struggle to the death.
CHICAGO—Inspecting a lengthy fissure cutting across two lanes of U.S. Route 34, Federal Highway Administration head Gregory G. Nadeau told reporters Wednesday that while the nation’s infrastructure is in desperate need of repair, there was “a certain kind of beauty in decay.”
WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.
WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning posted online Tuesday by the U.S. State Department, American citizens traveling to the Netherlands were strongly advised to avoid the “extremely lame” Amsterdam windmill tour.
WASHINGTON—Unsure how else to take action after this weekend’s mass shooting in Orlando, FL that left scores dead, a frustrated President Obama spent Monday morning writing a letter to his congressman about the need for tighter gun control laws, sources confirmed.
‘Our Minds Have Become One,’ Shaken President Says
WASHINGTON—Appearing frightened and confused by his unexplained new powers, President Barack Obama reportedly pulled members of the White House staff aside Wednesday to inform them of his recently discovered telepathic connection with an Afghanistan-based military drone.
PLAINS, GA—After regaining consciousness on the floor of the den inside Jimmy Carter’s private residence, a pair of groggy Secret Service agents quickly realized that the 91-year-old former president was on the loose, sources reported Wednesday.
WASHINGTON—Expressing concern over his increasingly combative behavior and refusal to cooperate with others, sources confirmed this week that Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), who comes from a troubled home state, has been frequently acting out in Congress.
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to pass the time while perched atop the White House roof, bored Secret Service sniper Michael Flynn centered his rifle’s crosshairs on a random tourist’s forehead Friday and softly whispered “bang, bang” to himself, sources reported.
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Expressing their excitement to share the historic item with visitors, Kennedy Space Center officials confirmed Thursday that the suit worn by Buzz Aldrin on February 24, 2015 when he lobbied the Senate to increase NASA funding was now on display for public viewing.
FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to reduce motor vehicle injuries and fatalities stemming from drunk driving, officials at the Department of Transportation announced Wednesday the opening of new highway lanes lined with padded bumpers, which have been installed on interstates nationwide for use by intoxicated drivers.
RALEIGH, NC—Saying they didn’t even want to think about what the legislation might possibly authorize or prohibit, North Carolina residents expressed feelings of deep-seated terror Thursday after hearing their state had passed a new law.
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Saying the legislation would restore and protect religious freedoms that had been endangered in recent years by government action, religious liberty activists celebrated the passage Tuesday of a new Missouri law that grants the state’s small business owners the right to annul any marriage between a same-sex couple.
WASHINGTON—Saying his department had been considering the measure for several years, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced official plans Tuesday to remove a gross, grime-covered penny from circulation.
KANSAS CITY, MO—Saying the once-radiant arc had become little more than an eyesore, officials at the Department of the Interior announced Monday that a demolitions team had successfully brought down a derelict rainbow with a series of controlled dynamite blasts.
Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders
WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.
WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia.
WASHINGTON—Assuring them it isn’t much trouble at all, U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez is reportedly allowing all 7.8 million unemployed Americans to crash at his place until they are able to get back on their feet, sources confirmed Thursday.
WASHINGTON—Describing the structure as purely utilitarian and devoid of any inspirational characteristics, officials from the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division launched an international media campaign Wednesday downplaying the symbolic value of the Golden Gate Bridge.
WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb rising deer populations nationwide, the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Monday that will provide free condoms to all of the country’s fawns.
WASHINGTON—Saying such infrastructure improvements were necessary to ensure citizens could continue to pass safely over the nation’s dangerous river rapids and precipitous chasms, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx called for $200 billion in funding Wednesday to repair the country’s rickety wooden bridges.
With gun violence in the United States rising to unprecedented levels, many lawmakers have pushed to expand federal background checks for the purchase of firearms. Here’s how background checks are currently conducted
The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
WASHINGTON—According to law enforcement personnel and dozens of distraught eyewitnesses, packs of savage, ferocious House Republicans are currently running loose through the nation’s capital, causing mayhem and bloodshed on a mass scale following the departure of their longtime caretaker, John Boehner.
WASHINGTON—Police and emergency responders were called to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the early morning hours Thursday after the White House’s Truman Balcony collapsed under the weight of dozens of reveling administration officials, leaving nine senior staffers with moderate to severe injuries, sources reported.
HOUGHTON, MI—Saying he could hardly believe how much the young man had changed over the past eight years, a visibly sentimental FBI counterterrorism agent fondly recalled Tuesday watching 20-year-old Muslim-American Omar Haddad grow up.
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the difficult decision needed to be discussed with those closest to him, Wisconsin representative Paul Ryan told reporters Thursday that he was still awaiting the firm approval of his trusted SoulCycle instructor before accepting the House Speaker role.
WASHINGTON—Following the announcement by Texas state officials to cut Medicaid funding for the nonprofit organization, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards assured supporters Tuesday that it has plenty of fetus cash to keep going for a while.
RALEIGH, NC—Saying the law provides women with an opportunity to carefully consider all their options, North Carolina officials today praised the state’s abortion waiting period for allowing women to explore alternatives to making their own decisions.
WASHINGTON—Taking into account investments by government agencies, nonprofit organizations, and private industry, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a total of $50 billion is spent annually in the U.S. to get kids excited about things.
CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.
WASHINGTON—As the hall’s lights flickered and the floor trembled for minutes on end, sources confirmed that great torrents of blood ran down the walls of the House of Representatives Monday as the chamber itself selected a new speaker.
With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:
WASHINGTON—Researchers at the Urban Institute published a study Friday confirming that a sharp increase in gun sales nationwide would be the most concrete result of the impassioned pro-gun-control speech that President Obama delivered following yesterday’s mass shooting in Oregon.
WASHINGTON—Saying their decision was made in the best interests of the American public, officials from the Department of Interior announced Friday that they have added 600,000 acres to the National Forbidden Zone.
WASHINGTON—Expressing their desire to provide American students with a well-rounded education, officials from the Department of Education announced Tuesday they had hired 26-year-old art teacher Kelsey Alexander to be spread evenly across all U.S. public schools.
NEW YORK—Saying it was conceivable that refuse-related abuses might arise at some point, officials from the American Civil Liberties Union emphasized at a press conference Thursday that it is perfectly legal to film garbage men anywhere in the United States if you ever happen to find yourself needing to do so.
‘No One’s Going To Choose The 14th Anniversary Of Something To Attack,’ Says Secretary
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the preventative measure was totally unnecessary, Department of Homeland Security officials announced Friday that they were not about to raise the country’s alert level for the 14th anniversary of the September 11th attacks.
WASHINGTON—Addressing the continued plight of the nation’s long-term unemployed, Labor Secretary Thomas E. Perez offered his assurances Tuesday that the United States still has plenty of job opportunities for people willing to outwork robots.
WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?
WASHINGTON—Sternly reminded that it was inappropriate to pursue personal interests at the office, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack was reprimanded Thursday for writing his corn blog during a cabinet meeting, sources told reporters.
WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.
ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.
WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that if Americans want in on this they need to strike while the iron is hot, United States secretary of commerce Penny Pritzker on Thursday urged the nation to get a piece of the action.
WASHINGTON—Following decades of debate over the constitutional right to same-sex marriage, the U.S. Supreme Court today handed down a 5-4 ruling in favor of the most buck-wild, balls-to-the-wall gay pride parade this country has ever seen.
WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision making same-sex marriage legal nationwide, sources confirmed Friday that only 47,000 social justice milestones need to be reached before the U.S. achieves full equality.
‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices
WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.
WASHINGTON—Replacing the patchwork of empty fields, municipal parks, and wooded roadside areas throughout the country where Americans currently engage in such recreational activity, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that it had set aside 50,000 acres of federal land for anonymous sexual encounters.
PHOENIX—In an attempt to clarify the rights and obligations of those possessing firearms, the Arizona State Legislature approved a new law Wednesday declaring that a gun owner ceases to be responsible for a bullet once it has been fired from a weapon.
ARLINGTON, VA—Touting the extensive safety precautions, routine maintenance, and limited congestion, a report published Friday by the American Transportation Research Institute revealed that drug tunnels are now the most intact and reliable form of transport infrastructure in the United States.
ARLINGTON, VA— Following the release of a report indicating that the agency failed 95 percent of security tests, the Transportation Security Administration announced Tuesday that agents will now simply stand at airport checkpoints and remind all passengers that everybody will eventually die someday.
WASHINGTON—Saying that the capture of these lawbreakers was desirable but honestly not the most urgent matter in the world, the FBI released a list of 10 criminals Monday that it is in no particular rush to track down.
FORT MEADE, MD—Expressing frustration over Congress’ decision to let the provisions allowing the bulk collection of phone data expire, annoyed National Security Agency officials reported Monday that the organization would now be forced to rely exclusively on mass surveillance programs that have yet to come to light.
WASHINGTON—Arguing that the measure would help women fully understand the consequences of their decision, members of the House of Representatives introduced a new bill this week that would require anyone seeking an abortion to view images of the congressmen she will disappoint prior to undergoing the procedure.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to limit the fallout from any unintended collateral damage, the Pentagon has dispatched a fleet of unmanned aerial vehicles to the Middle East specially designed to express condolences for the civilian casualties of U.S. drone airstrikes, sources confirmed Wednesday.
WASHINGTON—Gently applying a cool cloth to the plant’s kernels as he cradled its frail stalk in his arms, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack stayed up all night caring for a sick corn plant, sources close to the former Iowa governor confirmed Tuesday.
WASHINGTON—Saying it was time all Americans were equally represented, the U.S. Treasury Department announced Thursday that it would honor the nation’s women by introducing the country’s first female currency.
WASHINGTON—Anxiously anticipating the Supreme Court’s decision on the issue, the nation was reportedly on edge Wednesday as it waited to see whether the court would legalize gay marriage now or in a few years.
WASHINGTON—Saying that being confined in such a volatile environment was known to have devastating psychological repercussions, FBI officials reported Wednesday that Ohio man Patrick Kinsey had apparently become radicalized during his 18 years spent...
NEW YORK—Saying the company has received hundreds of résumés since posting the job opening to its website earlier this week, Goldman Sachs human resources manager David Browning reported Thursday that a high-level position with the inv...