North Korean Relations May Be Thawing

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Vol 48 Issue 10

How Sturdy Is That?

HGTV 5:00 p.m. EST/4:00 p.m. CST Host Bryan Lowd leans against a shed in Tulsa, jumps on a floorboard in Denver, and sits on five rocking chairs in front of a live studio audience.

Negative Nancies

ABC 1:00 p.m. EST/12:00 p.m. CST Nancy Grace, Nancy Kerrigan, and Nancy Pelosi talk about how bad the environment's getting and how sad it is nobody knows their neighbors anymore.

College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less

According to the Economic Policy Institute, female college graduates are making 7.6 percent less than they did 10 years ago, while their male counterparts are making 11 percent less.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

North Korean Relations May Be Thawing

Last week, North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests and uranium enrichment in exchange for food aid, possibly signaling a desire for renewed negotiations with the United States. Here are some other ways relations will improve:

  • American children will stop being taught that Kim Jong-un is descended from a long line of evil dragons
  • North Korea to return an American Frisbee accidentally thrown across the Demilitarized Zone in 1962
  • Harlem Globetrotters will establish permanent Goodwill Outpost
  • David Lee Roth to sing one song on North Korean Van Halen's new album
  • United States will supply North Korea with four diesel generators to keep the nation's electrical grid on at night
  • 10 percent reduction in size of missiles shown pointing at United States in propaganda posters
  • U.S. film critics to be less generous regarding future trilogies by South Korean cult-thriller director Park Chan-wook
  • In his next speech, Obama promises to call South Koreans a bunch of pussies for not even trying to build a nuclear weapon themselves
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