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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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North Korean Relations May Be Thawing

Last week, North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests and uranium enrichment in exchange for food aid, possibly signaling a desire for renewed negotiations with the United States. Here are some other ways relations will improve:

  • American children will stop being taught that Kim Jong-un is descended from a long line of evil dragons
  • North Korea to return an American Frisbee accidentally thrown across the Demilitarized Zone in 1962
  • Harlem Globetrotters will establish permanent Goodwill Outpost
  • David Lee Roth to sing one song on North Korean Van Halen's new album
  • United States will supply North Korea with four diesel generators to keep the nation's electrical grid on at night
  • 10 percent reduction in size of missiles shown pointing at United States in propaganda posters
  • U.S. film critics to be less generous regarding future trilogies by South Korean cult-thriller director Park Chan-wook
  • In his next speech, Obama promises to call South Koreans a bunch of pussies for not even trying to build a nuclear weapon themselves

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