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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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North Korea’s War Preparations

In recent weeks, North Korea has invalidated its 1953 armistice and threatened a preemptive nuclear strike on the U.S. Here are some other signs that the country is preparing for war:

  • Creating military formations that put soldiers with boots in front
  • Shutting off nation’s 14 lights at night so country is much more difficult to see
  • North Korean malls playing instrumental version of “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” overdubbed with anti-U.S. lyrics
  • Strapping landmines to every North Korean citizen
  • Propaganda team Photoshopping an image of a muscular, shirtless Kim Jong-un putting the Statue of Liberty in a headlock
  • Mandating all citizens maintain a “victory dirt patch”
  • Reprinting every obituary published in American newspapers and adding at the end of each one, “We did this!”
  • Releasing several reports by the state news agency about how uneventful a day April 8 is going to be
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