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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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North Korea’s War Preparations

In recent weeks, North Korea has invalidated its 1953 armistice and threatened a preemptive nuclear strike on the U.S. Here are some other signs that the country is preparing for war:

  • Creating military formations that put soldiers with boots in front
  • Shutting off nation’s 14 lights at night so country is much more difficult to see
  • North Korean malls playing instrumental version of “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” overdubbed with anti-U.S. lyrics
  • Strapping landmines to every North Korean citizen
  • Propaganda team Photoshopping an image of a muscular, shirtless Kim Jong-un putting the Statue of Liberty in a headlock
  • Mandating all citizens maintain a “victory dirt patch”
  • Reprinting every obituary published in American newspapers and adding at the end of each one, “We did this!”
  • Releasing several reports by the state news agency about how uneventful a day April 8 is going to be

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