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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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North Korea’s War Preparations

In recent weeks, North Korea has invalidated its 1953 armistice and threatened a preemptive nuclear strike on the U.S. Here are some other signs that the country is preparing for war:

  • Creating military formations that put soldiers with boots in front
  • Shutting off nation’s 14 lights at night so country is much more difficult to see
  • North Korean malls playing instrumental version of “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” overdubbed with anti-U.S. lyrics
  • Strapping landmines to every North Korean citizen
  • Propaganda team Photoshopping an image of a muscular, shirtless Kim Jong-un putting the Statue of Liberty in a headlock
  • Mandating all citizens maintain a “victory dirt patch”
  • Reprinting every obituary published in American newspapers and adding at the end of each one, “We did this!”
  • Releasing several reports by the state news agency about how uneventful a day April 8 is going to be
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