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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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North Korea’s War Preparations

In recent weeks, North Korea has invalidated its 1953 armistice and threatened a preemptive nuclear strike on the U.S. Here are some other signs that the country is preparing for war:

  • Creating military formations that put soldiers with boots in front
  • Shutting off nation’s 14 lights at night so country is much more difficult to see
  • North Korean malls playing instrumental version of “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” overdubbed with anti-U.S. lyrics
  • Strapping landmines to every North Korean citizen
  • Propaganda team Photoshopping an image of a muscular, shirtless Kim Jong-un putting the Statue of Liberty in a headlock
  • Mandating all citizens maintain a “victory dirt patch”
  • Reprinting every obituary published in American newspapers and adding at the end of each one, “We did this!”
  • Releasing several reports by the state news agency about how uneventful a day April 8 is going to be

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