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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Notable Celebrity Breakups

Here are some notable Hollywood breakups in recent years:

  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: In 2012, the highly publicized relationship ended in divorce, which the couple decided to handle amicably for the sake of their thetans
  • Emma Watson and Christopher Lloyd: A longtime poster couple for stable celebrity marriages, fans were shocked when the pair suddenly called it quits in late 2013
  • Heidi Klum and Seal: Klum told tabloids she could no longer handle Seal’s constant, rage-filled outbursts over how in a world full of people only some want to fly
  • Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson: Just give it some time—the cracks are beginning to show
  • Hellboy and Selma Blair: The 41-year-old actress’s touching love affair with the red-skinned demon-hero was captured in the documentaries Hellboy and Hellboy II: The Golden Army, though the pair have not been seen together in public since 2008
  • Robert Blake and Bonny Lee Bakley: The former Baretta star ended his marriage in 2001
  • Steven Spielberg and E.T.: Resulting in one of Hollywood’s most expensive divorces, the famed director was unable to sustain his steamy on-set romance in the months after shooting wrapped
  • Vivica A. Fox and Me: Best known for her roles in Kill Bill and Independence Day, the stunning 49-year-old actress rocked the news-infographic writer community when she chose to abandon me and the life we had built in Indianapolis for a more glamorous one in Hollywood
  • Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams: They just wanted to date other people. Get a fucking life.

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