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Notable Choke Jobs

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Notable Choke Jobs

The stunning upset is all well and good, but the disastrous collapse under pressure is just as big a part of sports. Some of the most notable:

1908: The Chicago Cubs completely blow their whole "lovable loser" identity by winning the World Series

1964: In their last 12 games, the Phillies squander a 6.5 game lead, a choke job so famous you're only hearing about it for the first time right now

1989: Shamu completely botches his 4:35 p.m. show

1992: Considered the heavy favorite to win gold in the decathlon, Dan O'Brien fails to even qualify for the Olympics after he forgets his discus, pole vault, and javelin at home

1992: After holding a 32-point lead, the Houston Oilers are just barely able to out-choke the Buffalo Bills

1993: In their only Family Feud appearance together, Michigan's Fab Five lose to the Robertson family because of Chris Webber's boneheaded move to use Jalen Rose's answer "bowl" for "Things You Pack for a Trip"

2008: The New England Patriots fail to win the Super Bowl after going 16-0 in the regular season; let's just take a second to remember how great that was

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