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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Notable Individuals’ 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

With the new year now upon us, people throughout the world are taking this opportunity to make personal resolutions for the year ahead. Here are some notable figures’ resolutions for 2014:

  • James Taylor: Learn the words to “Mexico”
  • Megan Fox: Stop imagining Cleveland-area man Roger Klimpton while having sex with husband
  • Roger Federer: Practice tennis every day
  • Nelson Mandela: Begin new life as retiree Bruno Varner in Waterloo, IA
  • George Zimmerman: Travel
  • Floyd Mayweather: Do more pro bono fighting
  • Jared Fogle: Eat 1,095 Subway subs, like every year
  • Thomas J. Falk, CEO of Kimberly-Clark: Build a stronger social media presence for Huggies and Kotex feminine care products on Facebook and Tumblr. Triple the number of Twitter followers for @Kleenex. Position Scott toilet paper as the hip, sensible brand choice of today’s 25-39 demographic.
  • Mark Gendleman of Sioux City, IA: Resolved for 12th straight year to win Jessica back
  • Charles Manson: Look inside each thought and see the fire. The thoughts are everywhere. Deep inside each thought until the fire comes off—poof—right there in your hand.
  • Vladimir Putin: Initiate Protocol 14

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