Notable Individuals’ 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Notable Individuals’ 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

With the new year now upon us, people throughout the world are taking this opportunity to make personal resolutions for the year ahead. Here are some notable figures’ resolutions for 2014:

  • James Taylor: Learn the words to “Mexico”
  • Megan Fox: Stop imagining Cleveland-area man Roger Klimpton while having sex with husband
  • Roger Federer: Practice tennis every day
  • Nelson Mandela: Begin new life as retiree Bruno Varner in Waterloo, IA
  • George Zimmerman: Travel
  • Floyd Mayweather: Do more pro bono fighting
  • Jared Fogle: Eat 1,095 Subway subs, like every year
  • Thomas J. Falk, CEO of Kimberly-Clark: Build a stronger social media presence for Huggies and Kotex feminine care products on Facebook and Tumblr. Triple the number of Twitter followers for @Kleenex. Position Scott toilet paper as the hip, sensible brand choice of today’s 25-39 demographic.
  • Mark Gendleman of Sioux City, IA: Resolved for 12th straight year to win Jessica back
  • Charles Manson: Look inside each thought and see the fire. The thoughts are everywhere. Deep inside each thought until the fire comes off—poof—right there in your hand.
  • Vladimir Putin: Initiate Protocol 14