Notable Indy 500 Crashes

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Notable Indy 500 Crashes

1911: At the very first Indy 500, race officials quickly realize all cars should drive in the same direction

1967: A.J. Foyt deftly maneuvers through a multiple-car crash, avoiding the burning wreckage while still running over competitors' bodies

1970: Though it seems Jerry Fetterman is able to walk away from his accident unscathed, it quickly becomes apparent that Fetterman's soul was actually stepping out of his body

1978: In perhaps the least devastating crash in Indy history, Tom Bagley's car just kind of falls over on its side

1985: Before entering their cars, Tom Sneva and Rich Vogler accidentally bump into each other and burst into flames

1991: In what many believe to be an act of sabotage, Buddy Lazier's car explodes as soon as he turns the key in the ignition

1995: After finishing 490 miles, flamboyant driver Jacques Villeneuve goes into a spiraling end-over-end crash for the final four laps to win the race

2007: Dario Franchitti wins an unusually wet 500, and the sight of his wife Ashley Judd jumping for joy in a skimpy rain-soaked sundress causes many viewers to have a little accident

2007: Model/actress/rookie driver Milka Duno hits the wall in the first turn after realizing nobody taught her how to steer

2009: Vitor Meira angers the rest of the field when shards of his spine fly all over the track, cutting the tires on several cars


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