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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Notable Indy 500 Crashes

1911: At the very first Indy 500, race officials quickly realize all cars should drive in the same direction

1967: A.J. Foyt deftly maneuvers through a multiple-car crash, avoiding the burning wreckage while still running over competitors' bodies

1970: Though it seems Jerry Fetterman is able to walk away from his accident unscathed, it quickly becomes apparent that Fetterman's soul was actually stepping out of his body

1978: In perhaps the least devastating crash in Indy history, Tom Bagley's car just kind of falls over on its side

1985: Before entering their cars, Tom Sneva and Rich Vogler accidentally bump into each other and burst into flames

1991: In what many believe to be an act of sabotage, Buddy Lazier's car explodes as soon as he turns the key in the ignition

1995: After finishing 490 miles, flamboyant driver Jacques Villeneuve goes into a spiraling end-over-end crash for the final four laps to win the race

2007: Dario Franchitti wins an unusually wet 500, and the sight of his wife Ashley Judd jumping for joy in a skimpy rain-soaked sundress causes many viewers to have a little accident

2007: Model/actress/rookie driver Milka Duno hits the wall in the first turn after realizing nobody taught her how to steer

2009: Vitor Meira angers the rest of the field when shards of his spine fly all over the track, cutting the tires on several cars

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