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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Notable NFL Free Agents

The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available.

  • Mario Williams: Signed with the Bills after other teams were unable to clear enough cap room to sign both him and his pectoral muscles
  • Matt Flynn: Studied under Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers; has also become fully versed in Microsoft Excel and Photoshop in an effort to make himself even more marketable
  • Kyle Orton: Signed with the Cowboys; at least five other GMs had his name on their lists but were successfully able to avoid looking at it
  • Luis Castillo: A bit undersized at 5-foot-11, 190 pounds, and a bit mismatched to modern NFL schemes as a switch-hitting second baseman, Luis Castillo is probably not that Luis Castillo on second thought
  • Plaxico Burress: Might be useful to some team in need of a good No. 3 receiver or No. 1 distraction
  • Mario Manningham: Jaguars interested in him just so they can ask what it was like to play in a Super Bowl
  • Curtis Lofton: Has been called a tackling machine, which hardly seems like a legal device to use on field
  • Tiki Barber: Needs money very, very badly

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