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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Notable NFL Free Agents

The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available.

  • Mario Williams: Signed with the Bills after other teams were unable to clear enough cap room to sign both him and his pectoral muscles
  • Matt Flynn: Studied under Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers; has also become fully versed in Microsoft Excel and Photoshop in an effort to make himself even more marketable
  • Kyle Orton: Signed with the Cowboys; at least five other GMs had his name on their lists but were successfully able to avoid looking at it
  • Luis Castillo: A bit undersized at 5-foot-11, 190 pounds, and a bit mismatched to modern NFL schemes as a switch-hitting second baseman, Luis Castillo is probably not that Luis Castillo on second thought
  • Plaxico Burress: Might be useful to some team in need of a good No. 3 receiver or No. 1 distraction
  • Mario Manningham: Jaguars interested in him just so they can ask what it was like to play in a Super Bowl
  • Curtis Lofton: Has been called a tackling machine, which hardly seems like a legal device to use on field
  • Tiki Barber: Needs money very, very badly

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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