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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Notable NFL Free Agents

The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available.

  • Mario Williams: Signed with the Bills after other teams were unable to clear enough cap room to sign both him and his pectoral muscles
  • Matt Flynn: Studied under Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers; has also become fully versed in Microsoft Excel and Photoshop in an effort to make himself even more marketable
  • Kyle Orton: Signed with the Cowboys; at least five other GMs had his name on their lists but were successfully able to avoid looking at it
  • Luis Castillo: A bit undersized at 5-foot-11, 190 pounds, and a bit mismatched to modern NFL schemes as a switch-hitting second baseman, Luis Castillo is probably not that Luis Castillo on second thought
  • Plaxico Burress: Might be useful to some team in need of a good No. 3 receiver or No. 1 distraction
  • Mario Manningham: Jaguars interested in him just so they can ask what it was like to play in a Super Bowl
  • Curtis Lofton: Has been called a tackling machine, which hardly seems like a legal device to use on field
  • Tiki Barber: Needs money very, very badly

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