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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Notable NFL Free Agents

The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available.

  • Mario Williams: Signed with the Bills after other teams were unable to clear enough cap room to sign both him and his pectoral muscles
  • Matt Flynn: Studied under Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers; has also become fully versed in Microsoft Excel and Photoshop in an effort to make himself even more marketable
  • Kyle Orton: Signed with the Cowboys; at least five other GMs had his name on their lists but were successfully able to avoid looking at it
  • Luis Castillo: A bit undersized at 5-foot-11, 190 pounds, and a bit mismatched to modern NFL schemes as a switch-hitting second baseman, Luis Castillo is probably not that Luis Castillo on second thought
  • Plaxico Burress: Might be useful to some team in need of a good No. 3 receiver or No. 1 distraction
  • Mario Manningham: Jaguars interested in him just so they can ask what it was like to play in a Super Bowl
  • Curtis Lofton: Has been called a tackling machine, which hardly seems like a legal device to use on field
  • Tiki Barber: Needs money very, very badly

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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

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