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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Notable NFL Roster Cuts

As NFL teams finalize their rosters in preparation for the 2007 season, Onion Sports lists the most notable cuts:

Larry Johnson: Coach Herm Edwards considered Johnson to be somewhat of a ball-hog

Ahman Green: With his ability to rack up a ton of offensive yards, score touchdowns, and be a game-changing player, Green was cut from the Texans for not really understanding the team concept

Leon Joe: Honestly, this Bears linebacker just smelled really, really bad

Rex Tucker, Lions: Well, the Lions had to cut someone, right? And if the cruel cosmic wheel of fate had to land on Rex Tucker, then who are we to look for a reason?

Blitz: The Seahawks anthropomorphic bird mascot showed up to camp 50 pounds overweight and with his mask on backwards

Joe Porter: Saints cut the cornerback after implementing a new defensive scheme in which no one covers the wide receivers

Drew Henson: The Vikings announced it was part of their plan all along to cut Henson, as that is the only thing he has ever known

Kevan Barlow: New Steelers coach Mike Tomlin sent a clear message to the rest of his team by cutting the veteran Barlow and then beating him up a little after that

Randall Cunningham: Sheepish Eagles later released statement saying they had no idea how this Hall of Fame great snuck into camp

MacKenzie Hoambrecker: Not a bad kicker, but the 49ers only allow one player with a silly name; already had Tully Banta-Cain 

Sean Mulcahy: This tight end was a hard worker, a team player, and a great locker-room presence that didn't deserve the stigma of being a Bengal

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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