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Notable NFL Roster Cuts

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Notable NFL Roster Cuts

As NFL teams finalize their rosters in preparation for the 2007 season, Onion Sports lists the most notable cuts:

Larry Johnson: Coach Herm Edwards considered Johnson to be somewhat of a ball-hog

Ahman Green: With his ability to rack up a ton of offensive yards, score touchdowns, and be a game-changing player, Green was cut from the Texans for not really understanding the team concept

Leon Joe: Honestly, this Bears linebacker just smelled really, really bad

Rex Tucker, Lions: Well, the Lions had to cut someone, right? And if the cruel cosmic wheel of fate had to land on Rex Tucker, then who are we to look for a reason?

Blitz: The Seahawks anthropomorphic bird mascot showed up to camp 50 pounds overweight and with his mask on backwards

Joe Porter: Saints cut the cornerback after implementing a new defensive scheme in which no one covers the wide receivers

Drew Henson: The Vikings announced it was part of their plan all along to cut Henson, as that is the only thing he has ever known

Kevan Barlow: New Steelers coach Mike Tomlin sent a clear message to the rest of his team by cutting the veteran Barlow and then beating him up a little after that

Randall Cunningham: Sheepish Eagles later released statement saying they had no idea how this Hall of Fame great snuck into camp

MacKenzie Hoambrecker: Not a bad kicker, but the 49ers only allow one player with a silly name; already had Tully Banta-Cain 

Sean Mulcahy: This tight end was a hard worker, a team player, and a great locker-room presence that didn't deserve the stigma of being a Bengal

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