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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Notable NFL Roster Cuts

As NFL teams finalize their rosters in preparation for the 2007 season, Onion Sports lists the most notable cuts:

Larry Johnson: Coach Herm Edwards considered Johnson to be somewhat of a ball-hog

Ahman Green: With his ability to rack up a ton of offensive yards, score touchdowns, and be a game-changing player, Green was cut from the Texans for not really understanding the team concept

Leon Joe: Honestly, this Bears linebacker just smelled really, really bad

Rex Tucker, Lions: Well, the Lions had to cut someone, right? And if the cruel cosmic wheel of fate had to land on Rex Tucker, then who are we to look for a reason?

Blitz: The Seahawks anthropomorphic bird mascot showed up to camp 50 pounds overweight and with his mask on backwards

Joe Porter: Saints cut the cornerback after implementing a new defensive scheme in which no one covers the wide receivers

Drew Henson: The Vikings announced it was part of their plan all along to cut Henson, as that is the only thing he has ever known

Kevan Barlow: New Steelers coach Mike Tomlin sent a clear message to the rest of his team by cutting the veteran Barlow and then beating him up a little after that

Randall Cunningham: Sheepish Eagles later released statement saying they had no idea how this Hall of Fame great snuck into camp

MacKenzie Hoambrecker: Not a bad kicker, but the 49ers only allow one player with a silly name; already had Tully Banta-Cain 

Sean Mulcahy: This tight end was a hard worker, a team player, and a great locker-room presence that didn't deserve the stigma of being a Bengal

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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