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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Notable Sports Collapses

Rory McIlroy went into the final round of the Masters with a four-stroke lead, but shot eight over on the last 18 holes, flailing uselessly all day. Add his meltdown to this list of all-time great collapses:

  • Kobe Bryant: During a 2006 regular-season game, Bryant only manages to score 81 points against the Toronto Raptors
  • Nick Anderson: In the 1995 NBA Finals, with his team up by three points, the Magic's Anderson misses four consecutive free throws, changing his status from guaranteed non-Hall-of-Famer to surefire non-Hall-of-Famer
  • Jay Haas: During the final hole of the 1996 Ryder Cup, Haas crumbles under the pressure, driving the ball a weak 120 yards when all he needed to do was to tap in a two-foot putt
  • Tiger Woods: After a promising start to his career at age 2, Woods eventually falls apart in a series of bad shots, knee injuries, and terrible life decisions
  • Mike Tyson: Though heavily favored in his 1990 match against Buster Douglas, the undefeated Tyson knocks himself out with an uppercut in the 10th round
  • Ben Crenshaw: After failing to put the right sleeve around Nick Faldo's arm at the 1996 Masters, Crenshaw completely falls apart and drops the green jacket on the floor before running out of the ceremony crying
  • 1985 Baltimore Stars: Led the USFL title game with just three minutes left on the clock when the league suddenly folded
  • Wheaties Box: No one really cares who's on the goddamn thing anymore

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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