Notable Sports Collapses

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Notable Sports Collapses

Rory McIlroy went into the final round of the Masters with a four-stroke lead, but shot eight over on the last 18 holes, flailing uselessly all day. Add his meltdown to this list of all-time great collapses:

  • Kobe Bryant: During a 2006 regular-season game, Bryant only manages to score 81 points against the Toronto Raptors
  • Nick Anderson: In the 1995 NBA Finals, with his team up by three points, the Magic's Anderson misses four consecutive free throws, changing his status from guaranteed non-Hall-of-Famer to surefire non-Hall-of-Famer
  • Jay Haas: During the final hole of the 1996 Ryder Cup, Haas crumbles under the pressure, driving the ball a weak 120 yards when all he needed to do was to tap in a two-foot putt
  • Tiger Woods: After a promising start to his career at age 2, Woods eventually falls apart in a series of bad shots, knee injuries, and terrible life decisions
  • Mike Tyson: Though heavily favored in his 1990 match against Buster Douglas, the undefeated Tyson knocks himself out with an uppercut in the 10th round
  • Ben Crenshaw: After failing to put the right sleeve around Nick Faldo's arm at the 1996 Masters, Crenshaw completely falls apart and drops the green jacket on the floor before running out of the ceremony crying
  • 1985 Baltimore Stars: Led the USFL title game with just three minutes left on the clock when the league suddenly folded
  • Wheaties Box: No one really cares who's on the goddamn thing anymore


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