adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Notable Sports Contracts

With Alex Rodriguez once again making headlines with a new contract, Onion Sports looks at the long and fascinating history of the intersection of sports and money:

1904: Honus Wagner becomes the highest-paid player in baseball history, signing a contract worth $21 per week, 45 acres of corn, and 12 pigs

1980: Hundreds of NFL players sign contracts that, in terms of healthcare, will screw them over in about 20 years

1995: Kevin Garnett re-signs with the Timberwolves for $126 million, although his contract is worth an additional $50 million if he can think up five to six additional incentives

1999: In one of the most ill-fated contracts of all-time, the Dodgers sign pitcher Kevin Brown to a 142-year, $650 billion contract

2001: Patriots promise Drew Bledsoe $103 million if he agrees to stay out of their way while they try to get to the Super Bowl

2002: Scott Boras convinces the Dodgers to give Darren Dreifort a five-year, $55 million contract despite the fact that Dreifort had lost his right arm in a thresher the night before

2003: Jason Kidd signs a six-year, $103,572,861 contract with the Nets; he chooses this specific amount because 103,572,861 is his lucky number

2004: Impressed by his hustle and head for the game, Green Bay Packers sign cornerback Mike McKenzie's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, to play cornerback

2007: Included in David Beckham's $250 million contract is a an ultimatum clause, which states that he must choose to either save American soccer or destroy it forever

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close