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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Notable Sports Contracts

With Alex Rodriguez once again making headlines with a new contract, Onion Sports looks at the long and fascinating history of the intersection of sports and money:

1904: Honus Wagner becomes the highest-paid player in baseball history, signing a contract worth $21 per week, 45 acres of corn, and 12 pigs

1980: Hundreds of NFL players sign contracts that, in terms of healthcare, will screw them over in about 20 years

1995: Kevin Garnett re-signs with the Timberwolves for $126 million, although his contract is worth an additional $50 million if he can think up five to six additional incentives

1999: In one of the most ill-fated contracts of all-time, the Dodgers sign pitcher Kevin Brown to a 142-year, $650 billion contract

2001: Patriots promise Drew Bledsoe $103 million if he agrees to stay out of their way while they try to get to the Super Bowl

2002: Scott Boras convinces the Dodgers to give Darren Dreifort a five-year, $55 million contract despite the fact that Dreifort had lost his right arm in a thresher the night before

2003: Jason Kidd signs a six-year, $103,572,861 contract with the Nets; he chooses this specific amount because 103,572,861 is his lucky number

2004: Impressed by his hustle and head for the game, Green Bay Packers sign cornerback Mike McKenzie's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, to play cornerback

2007: Included in David Beckham's $250 million contract is a an ultimatum clause, which states that he must choose to either save American soccer or destroy it forever

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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