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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Notable Sports Contracts

With Alex Rodriguez once again making headlines with a new contract, Onion Sports looks at the long and fascinating history of the intersection of sports and money:

1904: Honus Wagner becomes the highest-paid player in baseball history, signing a contract worth $21 per week, 45 acres of corn, and 12 pigs

1980: Hundreds of NFL players sign contracts that, in terms of healthcare, will screw them over in about 20 years

1995: Kevin Garnett re-signs with the Timberwolves for $126 million, although his contract is worth an additional $50 million if he can think up five to six additional incentives

1999: In one of the most ill-fated contracts of all-time, the Dodgers sign pitcher Kevin Brown to a 142-year, $650 billion contract

2001: Patriots promise Drew Bledsoe $103 million if he agrees to stay out of their way while they try to get to the Super Bowl

2002: Scott Boras convinces the Dodgers to give Darren Dreifort a five-year, $55 million contract despite the fact that Dreifort had lost his right arm in a thresher the night before

2003: Jason Kidd signs a six-year, $103,572,861 contract with the Nets; he chooses this specific amount because 103,572,861 is his lucky number

2004: Impressed by his hustle and head for the game, Green Bay Packers sign cornerback Mike McKenzie's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, to play cornerback

2007: Included in David Beckham's $250 million contract is a an ultimatum clause, which states that he must choose to either save American soccer or destroy it forever

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