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Notable Sports Injuries

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Notable Sports Injuries

Tom Brady's season-ending knee injury certainly changed the complexion of the NFL season, but it isn't the first time a player has made headlines from the sidelines:

1977: Dennis Eckersley is forced to miss the entire 1977 season when he tears three ligaments in his mustache

1985: Joe Theismann suffers a compound fracture of his lower right leg, forcing the bone through his skin in such a horrifyingly gruesome fashion that people still make you look at it even today

1989: On his first play from scrimmage as an NFL player, rookie Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders tears every single tendon and ligament in both knees, giving him the incredible flexibility and quick change-of-direction that became his trademark

1995: Ken Griffey Jr. extends the recovery time of his broken wrist by at least three weeks when he ignores doctor's orders to not continually poke the wrist to see if it still hurts

1997: Michael Jordan is deeply, deeply hurt when Karl Malone is chosen Most Valuable Player over him

2000: Believing that he may have injured his hip, Randy Moss forces his Viking teammates to carry him on his routes, catch the ball, hand the ball to him, pick him back up, and lug him towards the end zone

2001: Following Drew Bledsoe's chest injury, the struggling Patriots were forced to go with a no-name sixth-round draft pick at quarterback and went on to win only two Super Bowls in the next three years

2003: Long since accustomed to their oft-injured teammate, the Orlando Magic play an entire three quarters of basketball while Grant Hill lays at center court holding his ankle and shrieking in agony

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