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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Notable Sports Injuries

Tom Brady's season-ending knee injury certainly changed the complexion of the NFL season, but it isn't the first time a player has made headlines from the sidelines:

1977: Dennis Eckersley is forced to miss the entire 1977 season when he tears three ligaments in his mustache

1985: Joe Theismann suffers a compound fracture of his lower right leg, forcing the bone through his skin in such a horrifyingly gruesome fashion that people still make you look at it even today

1989: On his first play from scrimmage as an NFL player, rookie Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders tears every single tendon and ligament in both knees, giving him the incredible flexibility and quick change-of-direction that became his trademark

1995: Ken Griffey Jr. extends the recovery time of his broken wrist by at least three weeks when he ignores doctor's orders to not continually poke the wrist to see if it still hurts

1997: Michael Jordan is deeply, deeply hurt when Karl Malone is chosen Most Valuable Player over him

2000: Believing that he may have injured his hip, Randy Moss forces his Viking teammates to carry him on his routes, catch the ball, hand the ball to him, pick him back up, and lug him towards the end zone

2001: Following Drew Bledsoe's chest injury, the struggling Patriots were forced to go with a no-name sixth-round draft pick at quarterback and went on to win only two Super Bowls in the next three years

2003: Long since accustomed to their oft-injured teammate, the Orlando Magic play an entire three quarters of basketball while Grant Hill lays at center court holding his ankle and shrieking in agony

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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