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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Notable Sports Suspensions

With the MLB suspending Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun 65 games for violating the league's drug policy, Onion Sports takes a look at some of the most significant punishments in the history of athletics.

  • 1881: Buttercup Dickerson of the Worcester Ruby Legs is suspended 40 games "for frequenting Saloons, Gambling Halls, and Dens of Iniquity; and generally evincing a Poor Moral Character not befitting a Worcester Man"
  • 1964-1992: South Africa is banned from the Olympics for refusing to exploit its young black athletes for a multibillion-dollar amateur sporting event the same way it does its other young athletes
  • 1978: Woody Hayes suspended for punching a Clemson linebacker in the face, beginning football's disturbing trend of bowing to proponents of player safety
  • 1987: Al Davis suspended by the NFL for his role in the Iran-Contra affair
  • 1989: Pete Rose banned from hot action for life
  • 2004: Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams is suspended four games and receives a $650,000 fine for something that was not assaulting an exotic dancer, having sex with an underage prostitute, attempting to have the judge presiding over his drug trafficking trial killed, operating a vicious dog fighting ring, shooting his pregnant girlfriend to death, or drunkenly running over a guy with his car
  • 2005: On his first day back since the infamous brawl that resulted in his ban for the majority of the previous NBA season, Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest is immediately hit with another season-long suspension after returning to the stands to continue the fight
  • 2009: Manny Ramirez gets 50 games despite buying clean urine from a guy and drinking it
  • 2010: Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas receives an indefinite suspension after violating the NBA’s strict policy against storing more than four unloaded firearms in a team locker room
  • 2011: Ndamukong Suh is suspended after breaking the obscure NFL regulation that prohibits stomping on the head of a defenseless player after the play is over
  • 2013: Star Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is given a lifetime ban from Major League Baseball, ending his career in total disgrace and leaving his life a tattered mess

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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