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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Notable Sports Suspensions

With the MLB suspending Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun 65 games for violating the league's drug policy, Onion Sports takes a look at some of the most significant punishments in the history of athletics.

  • 1881: Buttercup Dickerson of the Worcester Ruby Legs is suspended 40 games "for frequenting Saloons, Gambling Halls, and Dens of Iniquity; and generally evincing a Poor Moral Character not befitting a Worcester Man"
  • 1964-1992: South Africa is banned from the Olympics for refusing to exploit its young black athletes for a multibillion-dollar amateur sporting event the same way it does its other young athletes
  • 1978: Woody Hayes suspended for punching a Clemson linebacker in the face, beginning football's disturbing trend of bowing to proponents of player safety
  • 1987: Al Davis suspended by the NFL for his role in the Iran-Contra affair
  • 1989: Pete Rose banned from hot action for life
  • 2004: Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams is suspended four games and receives a $650,000 fine for something that was not assaulting an exotic dancer, having sex with an underage prostitute, attempting to have the judge presiding over his drug trafficking trial killed, operating a vicious dog fighting ring, shooting his pregnant girlfriend to death, or drunkenly running over a guy with his car
  • 2005: On his first day back since the infamous brawl that resulted in his ban for the majority of the previous NBA season, Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest is immediately hit with another season-long suspension after returning to the stands to continue the fight
  • 2009: Manny Ramirez gets 50 games despite buying clean urine from a guy and drinking it
  • 2010: Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas receives an indefinite suspension after violating the NBA’s strict policy against storing more than four unloaded firearms in a team locker room
  • 2011: Ndamukong Suh is suspended after breaking the obscure NFL regulation that prohibits stomping on the head of a defenseless player after the play is over
  • 2013: Star Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is given a lifetime ban from Major League Baseball, ending his career in total disgrace and leaving his life a tattered mess

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