adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Notable Suspensions In Sports

Following his team's involvement in a bounty program, Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for a year, one of the most daunting punishments in modern sports. Some others of note:

  • Jackie Robinson: Despite being a positive clubhouse presence and manager's dream as a player, Robinson's record is sullied by several suspensions for "just looking kind of suspicious somehow"
  • John Lackey: While it was not technically a spitball, umpires felt Lackey's method of profusely sweating from his palms until his baseball was coated with disgusting slick goo warranted an eight-game suspension
  • Ty Cobb: Legendary race-baiter and fan-assaulting bully Cobb was suspended for six games in 1916 for failing to attend a mandatory team media event
  • Adam “Pacman” Jones: Has either been serving or in the process of receiving a suspension for the entirety of his adult life
  • Paul Hornung and Alex Karras: In 1963, the NFL sidelined two of its biggest stars, the Packers’ Hornung and the Lions’ Karras, for a full season after they allowed the Chicago Bears to win 9 games the year before
  • Ron Artest: Suspended for the duration of 2004-2005 season after brawling with Detroit Pistons fans, which was actually one of the most reasonable decisions of his career
  • Tim Duncan: Self-suspended for two games in 2009 after ending two consecutive sentences with prepositions
  • Muhammad Ali: Lost boxing license after refusing to go die in Vietnam, which actually seems like a smart move in retrospect

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close