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Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Notable Suspensions In Sports

Following his team's involvement in a bounty program, Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for a year, one of the most daunting punishments in modern sports. Some others of note:

  • Jackie Robinson: Despite being a positive clubhouse presence and manager's dream as a player, Robinson's record is sullied by several suspensions for "just looking kind of suspicious somehow"
  • John Lackey: While it was not technically a spitball, umpires felt Lackey's method of profusely sweating from his palms until his baseball was coated with disgusting slick goo warranted an eight-game suspension
  • Ty Cobb: Legendary race-baiter and fan-assaulting bully Cobb was suspended for six games in 1916 for failing to attend a mandatory team media event
  • Adam “Pacman” Jones: Has either been serving or in the process of receiving a suspension for the entirety of his adult life
  • Paul Hornung and Alex Karras: In 1963, the NFL sidelined two of its biggest stars, the Packers’ Hornung and the Lions’ Karras, for a full season after they allowed the Chicago Bears to win 9 games the year before
  • Ron Artest: Suspended for the duration of 2004-2005 season after brawling with Detroit Pistons fans, which was actually one of the most reasonable decisions of his career
  • Tim Duncan: Self-suspended for two games in 2009 after ending two consecutive sentences with prepositions
  • Muhammad Ali: Lost boxing license after refusing to go die in Vietnam, which actually seems like a smart move in retrospect

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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