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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Notable Suspensions In Sports

Following his team's involvement in a bounty program, Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for a year, one of the most daunting punishments in modern sports. Some others of note:

  • Jackie Robinson: Despite being a positive clubhouse presence and manager's dream as a player, Robinson's record is sullied by several suspensions for "just looking kind of suspicious somehow"
  • John Lackey: While it was not technically a spitball, umpires felt Lackey's method of profusely sweating from his palms until his baseball was coated with disgusting slick goo warranted an eight-game suspension
  • Ty Cobb: Legendary race-baiter and fan-assaulting bully Cobb was suspended for six games in 1916 for failing to attend a mandatory team media event
  • Adam “Pacman” Jones: Has either been serving or in the process of receiving a suspension for the entirety of his adult life
  • Paul Hornung and Alex Karras: In 1963, the NFL sidelined two of its biggest stars, the Packers’ Hornung and the Lions’ Karras, for a full season after they allowed the Chicago Bears to win 9 games the year before
  • Ron Artest: Suspended for the duration of 2004-2005 season after brawling with Detroit Pistons fans, which was actually one of the most reasonable decisions of his career
  • Tim Duncan: Self-suspended for two games in 2009 after ending two consecutive sentences with prepositions
  • Muhammad Ali: Lost boxing license after refusing to go die in Vietnam, which actually seems like a smart move in retrospect
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