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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Notable Suspensions In Sports

Following his team's involvement in a bounty program, Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for a year, one of the most daunting punishments in modern sports. Some others of note:

  • Jackie Robinson: Despite being a positive clubhouse presence and manager's dream as a player, Robinson's record is sullied by several suspensions for "just looking kind of suspicious somehow"
  • John Lackey: While it was not technically a spitball, umpires felt Lackey's method of profusely sweating from his palms until his baseball was coated with disgusting slick goo warranted an eight-game suspension
  • Ty Cobb: Legendary race-baiter and fan-assaulting bully Cobb was suspended for six games in 1916 for failing to attend a mandatory team media event
  • Adam “Pacman” Jones: Has either been serving or in the process of receiving a suspension for the entirety of his adult life
  • Paul Hornung and Alex Karras: In 1963, the NFL sidelined two of its biggest stars, the Packers’ Hornung and the Lions’ Karras, for a full season after they allowed the Chicago Bears to win 9 games the year before
  • Ron Artest: Suspended for the duration of 2004-2005 season after brawling with Detroit Pistons fans, which was actually one of the most reasonable decisions of his career
  • Tim Duncan: Self-suspended for two games in 2009 after ending two consecutive sentences with prepositions
  • Muhammad Ali: Lost boxing license after refusing to go die in Vietnam, which actually seems like a smart move in retrospect

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