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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Notable Suspensions In Sports

Following his team's involvement in a bounty program, Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for a year, one of the most daunting punishments in modern sports. Some others of note:

  • Jackie Robinson: Despite being a positive clubhouse presence and manager's dream as a player, Robinson's record is sullied by several suspensions for "just looking kind of suspicious somehow"
  • John Lackey: While it was not technically a spitball, umpires felt Lackey's method of profusely sweating from his palms until his baseball was coated with disgusting slick goo warranted an eight-game suspension
  • Ty Cobb: Legendary race-baiter and fan-assaulting bully Cobb was suspended for six games in 1916 for failing to attend a mandatory team media event
  • Adam “Pacman” Jones: Has either been serving or in the process of receiving a suspension for the entirety of his adult life
  • Paul Hornung and Alex Karras: In 1963, the NFL sidelined two of its biggest stars, the Packers’ Hornung and the Lions’ Karras, for a full season after they allowed the Chicago Bears to win 9 games the year before
  • Ron Artest: Suspended for the duration of 2004-2005 season after brawling with Detroit Pistons fans, which was actually one of the most reasonable decisions of his career
  • Tim Duncan: Self-suspended for two games in 2009 after ending two consecutive sentences with prepositions
  • Muhammad Ali: Lost boxing license after refusing to go die in Vietnam, which actually seems like a smart move in retrospect

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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