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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Notable Trade Deadline Deals

Carmelo Anthony just became a New York Knick mere days before the NBA trade deadline, an event that joins these other blockbuster under-the-wire deals.

  • 1989: The Knicks acquire Kiki Vandeweghe from Portland in exchange for a first round draft bust
  • 1989: The Dallas Cowboys send Herschel Walker to the Minnesota Vikings; in return the Cowboys get the 1990s
  • 1996: The Detroit Red Wings traded a defenseman who was not Wayne Gretzky to the Edmonton Oilers for a right winger who was also not Wayne Gretzky
  • 1999: In a three-way deal, the Timberwolves receive Brian Evans, draft picks, and Sam Cassell; the Nets receive Stephon Marbury and Sam Cassell; and the Bucks land three different Sam Cassells
  • 2001: The Washington Wizards send Juwan Howard, Calvin Booth, and Obinna Ekezie to Dallas for Courtney Alexander, Hubert Davis, Etan Thomas, Loy Vaught, and a player to be named Laettner
  • 2001: The Atlanta Hawks receive Toni Kukoc in what is honestly, and depressingly, their biggest deadline deal in team history
  • 2002: The Montreal Expos trade away Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips, 15 other players, and tons of equipment in an effort to clean house and quit baseball altogether
  • 2003: The Sonics trade Gary Payton in exchange for an overall sense of relief for having gotten rid of Gary Payton

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