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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Notable Trade Deadline Deals

Carmelo Anthony just became a New York Knick mere days before the NBA trade deadline, an event that joins these other blockbuster under-the-wire deals.

  • 1989: The Knicks acquire Kiki Vandeweghe from Portland in exchange for a first round draft bust
  • 1989: The Dallas Cowboys send Herschel Walker to the Minnesota Vikings; in return the Cowboys get the 1990s
  • 1996: The Detroit Red Wings traded a defenseman who was not Wayne Gretzky to the Edmonton Oilers for a right winger who was also not Wayne Gretzky
  • 1999: In a three-way deal, the Timberwolves receive Brian Evans, draft picks, and Sam Cassell; the Nets receive Stephon Marbury and Sam Cassell; and the Bucks land three different Sam Cassells
  • 2001: The Washington Wizards send Juwan Howard, Calvin Booth, and Obinna Ekezie to Dallas for Courtney Alexander, Hubert Davis, Etan Thomas, Loy Vaught, and a player to be named Laettner
  • 2001: The Atlanta Hawks receive Toni Kukoc in what is honestly, and depressingly, their biggest deadline deal in team history
  • 2002: The Montreal Expos trade away Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips, 15 other players, and tons of equipment in an effort to clean house and quit baseball altogether
  • 2003: The Sonics trade Gary Payton in exchange for an overall sense of relief for having gotten rid of Gary Payton

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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