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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Obama Pushes Job Creation

Following his State of the Union address, President Barack Obama has turned his attention to job creation. Here are some facets of his administration's plan:

  • Everyone permitted one fake college degree per resumé
  • Phasing out second interviews so all three top candidates get hired
  • For one day a week, factories may adopt the wage and safety laws of a Southeast Asian country of the owner's choice
  • Grants to youngsters who are gifted at mining
  • Government program to train unemployed factory workers to weld 500 joints a minute so they stay competitive with robots
  • Offer generous early retirement packages to workers who are extremely good at their jobs, thereby creating four to five new positions for incompetent morons
  • Obama to talk to nation's brothers-in-law one at a time to see if they can make a little something happen at their big-time landscaping businesses
  • Upping education spending to help ensure that Americans' English communication skills are on par with India's and China's by 2018

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