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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Obama Stumping Jobs Bill

Since announcing his American Jobs Act in a speech before Congress this month, President Obama has been traveling the country to promote the plan. Here are some of the bill's provisions:

  • National television spots featuring a culturally diverse cross-section of old men yelling at viewers to get a job
  • Will.i.am to record inspirational theme song for company with strongest quarterly hiring stats
  • President Obama will choose one business regulation to eliminate each week by picking a numbered ball out of a basket
  • Tax incentives for contractors who do shoddy work that will have to be repaired in a few years
  • Extends unemployment benefits through 2016 in hopes that next administration can figure out how to make jobs
  • Every company that hires a veteran receives a complimentary signed photo of Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki
  • $21 haircut tax credit for anyone with an upcoming job interview
  • 308 pages in which a manic Obama simply typed "Pass this bill, right now" countless times in various typographic permutations

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