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Politics

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Obama Stumping Jobs Bill

Since announcing his American Jobs Act in a speech before Congress this month, President Obama has been traveling the country to promote the plan. Here are some of the bill's provisions:

  • National television spots featuring a culturally diverse cross-section of old men yelling at viewers to get a job
  • Will.i.am to record inspirational theme song for company with strongest quarterly hiring stats
  • President Obama will choose one business regulation to eliminate each week by picking a numbered ball out of a basket
  • Tax incentives for contractors who do shoddy work that will have to be repaired in a few years
  • Extends unemployment benefits through 2016 in hopes that next administration can figure out how to make jobs
  • Every company that hires a veteran receives a complimentary signed photo of Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki
  • $21 haircut tax credit for anyone with an upcoming job interview
  • 308 pages in which a manic Obama simply typed "Pass this bill, right now" countless times in various typographic permutations

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