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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Obama Stumping Jobs Bill

Since announcing his American Jobs Act in a speech before Congress this month, President Obama has been traveling the country to promote the plan. Here are some of the bill's provisions:

  • National television spots featuring a culturally diverse cross-section of old men yelling at viewers to get a job
  • Will.i.am to record inspirational theme song for company with strongest quarterly hiring stats
  • President Obama will choose one business regulation to eliminate each week by picking a numbered ball out of a basket
  • Tax incentives for contractors who do shoddy work that will have to be repaired in a few years
  • Extends unemployment benefits through 2016 in hopes that next administration can figure out how to make jobs
  • Every company that hires a veteran receives a complimentary signed photo of Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki
  • $21 haircut tax credit for anyone with an upcoming job interview
  • 308 pages in which a manic Obama simply typed "Pass this bill, right now" countless times in various typographic permutations

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