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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Obama's New Fuel Efficiency Plan

Last week, President Obama announced a plan to lower automobile emissions by requiring new cars to average 35.5 miles per gallon. How can Detroit rise to meet the challenge?

Launch massive campaign urging drivers to draft a few feet behind one another on the highway to minimize drag

Will no longer sell or lease to anyone weighing more than 150 pounds

Remove least fuel-efficient tire from every car

Gradually decrease the length of a mile

Slap a sticker that says "35.5" on all new cars

Bulldoze nation's uphill gradients

Talk Obama down to 34 miles per gallon by offering to throw in a copy of The Audacity Of Hope with each auto purchase

Copy the Japanese, probably

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