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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Obama's New Fuel Efficiency Plan

Last week, President Obama announced a plan to lower automobile emissions by requiring new cars to average 35.5 miles per gallon. How can Detroit rise to meet the challenge?

Launch massive campaign urging drivers to draft a few feet behind one another on the highway to minimize drag

Will no longer sell or lease to anyone weighing more than 150 pounds

Remove least fuel-efficient tire from every car

Gradually decrease the length of a mile

Slap a sticker that says "35.5" on all new cars

Bulldoze nation's uphill gradients

Talk Obama down to 34 miles per gallon by offering to throw in a copy of The Audacity Of Hope with each auto purchase

Copy the Japanese, probably

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